Thankful

     So I have participated in the thankful challenge to post something everyday in November up til Thanksgiving that I am thankful for. It has been quite simple . I haven't had a hard time coming up with things. My problem is that I have so many things to be thankful for that I had a hard time choosing what to put everyday. I give thanks EVERYDAY of every week of every year for what I have , material or otherwise . God has always supplied my needs and sometimes he even sees fit to give me what I want so I am more than blessed. 

     This last half of the year has been challenging and emotionally draining for me and yet even in those moments when I was struggling I could always find something to give thanks for even if it was just simply my next breath. I have learned some hard lessons this year and as hard as it was , I am even thankful for those. I have learned that I have been taking some things for granted and that I need to be more dilligent in letting the people I love know more often how much I love them and appreciate them. I need to spend more time with the ones closest to me and make them more of a priority instead of just a thought. I have learned that God has blessed me with an amazing ability to abunduntly forgive and forget. That perhaps has been the hardest of them all because it required me to be hurt in a major way to figure that one out . I have learned that I love deeply and therefore at times hurt deeply but I have learned how to embrace that.

     I have learned who my real friends , who I can count on , and who I can't. That is a most valuable lesson. I have learned how very important  and fragile trust really is. I have learned that love really does cover a multitude of sins . I have learned that my faith is bigger then anything Satan can throw at me. I have learned how important it truly is to lean on God and stay in his word instead of the world.

     I am thankful for the hard leassons as well as the people God has surrounded me with that have supported me, loved me, and prayed for me when I needed those things the most. Yes , I have much to be thankful for, maybe more than any one person should be allowed. 

     It has been over a month since I have put fingers to keyboard in this capacity. I think it must be because I was taught that if you can't say something nice then you shouldn't say anything at all.I couldn't possible spew enough in one day to cover it all but I need to vent and this is a safe place. If I offend then oh well, just click off and come back another day. I am not sure exactly what to vomit first.
     I am participating in a FB challenge to come up with something I am thankful for everyday this month since this is the month of Thanksgiving and don't get me wrong its easy to come up with something everyday. I have been blessed in so many ways and I am thankful daily for what my heavenly Father chooses to give me , materially and in inmaterial ways.God is good to me and I recognize that every minute of every day.However I am not overflowing with kind thoughts every minute of every day. Me and God have had some serious conversations lately.
     I love being a mommy and I love being a wife. God has blessed me with two beautiful, smart, healthy children who I adore . He has also blessed me with a gorgeous husband who is generous, loving, hard working , and a fabulous father. I know that being a woman is a curse of sorts. Many household responsibilities land on me. My man works long hours and " brings home the bacon" so to speak and I even though I have a job too , I pick up the cleaning, cooking, shopping, bill paying, etc responsibilities. I make sure everyone gets up and to where they need to be on time every morning. I make sure lunches are packed, planners are signed, and homework is done. I do the grocery shopping, the meal planning, the meal cooking, and the cleaning up after the meals. I make sure clothes get washed, dried, and put away. I make sure the bills get paid . I do the sweeping, dusting, mopping, and toilet cleaning. I walk through the house daily putting things in their proper place . About the only thing I ask of my husband is for him to take some trash off every one in a while and for him to do the mowing in the summer. I am the wife and mother and this is just my job. On Mothers day I get a card saying I appreciate what you do . Once a year I am recognized for being a good wife and mother. I tell my kids all the time how proud I am of them when they do something right. I thank my husband on a regular basis for what he does. I can go spend $100 and two hours of my time at the grocery store and 24 hours later somebody in this house says " there is nothing to eat here". Thanks what kind of thanks I get.
      I fact , here is what I normally get :  " I don't want that for supper " well then scoot your butt to the kitchen and make yourself something to eat. " I don't have any clean jeans" well then start putting your dirty ones in the dirty clothes basket and I will wash then, dry them, fold them, and put them away for you. " You didn't sign my planner " It wasn't in your back pack, if you bring it home, I will sign it. " I can't find anything around here" Well if you would put it back where YOU want  it to be then I wouldn't be forced to look at it for a week and guess where it is supposed to go. "Its just  not fair " LIFE ISN"T FAIR or I would be 5' 5" , weigh 125 pounds and look super sexy in a two piece bathing suit, get over it and move on. " I don't know why so and so can't just blah, blah, blah, " Do it yourself like I do if you want it done right." Funny thing is , I don't usually say those comebacks, I just think them, smile and do what I can to correct or diffuse the situation. Ben complains to me about Cara. Cara complains to me about Ben. Both complain to me about Eric. Eric complains to me about them. Like I can do anything about it. Who do I get to complain to ?? Oh wait, I forgot, I am mommy and wife and thats just my job and I need to do it and not complain.
     Totally different subject but just as bothersome to me. I am generally a happy person with a smile on my face. I have a friend that even tells me I am too chipper at times and to bring it down a notch. I am in a good mood most of the time. I know people have bad days . I know people sometimes just don't feel well. I get that and when I am around someone who isn't having a good day or apparently doesn't feel good then I try very hard to give them a break. Here is my issue : don't make your bad day , my bad day. I am very sensitive to moods. If you are in my presence fussing and cussing, don't expect me to smile at you and be nice. You have just turned my mood and its gonna take a while to recover my joy that you just sucked right outta me. If I am miserable, I make a concentrated effort to NOT make everyone around me miserable too.I so wish the people closest to me would do the same.
     I am not done. I would really prefer to vent for the next 4 or 5 hours but alas its almost time for work and I am still in my workout / cleaning house clothes. I need to change and boogy out the door.
   
   
   
   
   

Thankful

     It has been a week since Mom had a massive heart attack and I have spent a great deal of time focused on the negative side of it all. Its hard not to when I have been there day after day to see it all. BUT, I have also spent a great deal of time thinking about the things that I can be thankful for , and there are plenty.
     I am thankful that when mom started to feel bad she stopped what she was doing and went inside. Had she waited she may have not made it back to the house. I am thankful that she called my brother when she realized that there was something horribly wrong. Had she waited , she may not have been able to make it to the phone. I am thankful that he was just 2 minutes away and was able to get to her quickly because she may not have called 911 on her own. I am thankful that he decided to call for an ambulance instead of trying to get her to the hospital on his own. Had he done that she most likely would not have made it there alive. I am thankful that the technology is available for the EMTs to hook her up en route and her vitals be read electronically by the nearest hospital and that they could tell she was having a heart attack and was re routed to Forsyth. Had that not been the case precious life saving time would have been lost.
     I am thankful that upon her arrival they wasted no time in doing what had to be done to save her life. I am thankful that when her heart started leaking blood later that night and she coded that her nurse was a 24 year veteran and knew what she was doing. I am thankful that God didn't take her that night and gave her back to us.
     I am thankful that I have the job that I have and have been able to be at the hospital everyday for the last week . I am thankful that I have the kind of friends that when they say" let me know if there is anything I can do " , they actually mean it. I have had to take a few of them up on that this week. I am thankful for friends that pray and have lifted us up in prayer day after day. I am thankful that my brother has been able to be with me day after day and has been able to spend more time at the hospital than I have.I am thankful for a husband who hasn't complained about how much time I haven't been home or the fact that he didn't have clean socks on Friday.I am thankful for a husband who when I had my first breakdown Thursday morning was ready to take the rest of the day off and be with me.I am thankful for a husband that just looks at me and knows that I need to be held.
     I am thankful for my faith in God because without it I would have been lost this week. I am thankful for his word that I have been able to turn to over and over to comfort me. I am thankful for his promises that I rely on time after time.
     I am thankful for the time I have gotten to spend with not only my mom but my brother this week. Usually we don't all 3 spend time together. I am thankful for the conversations that I have been able to have with my mom. I am thankful that if something does happen and she is taken away that she knows how much I love her.
     I am thankful for the amazing nurses who tirelessly work 12 hour shifts and attend to mom's every need. I am thankful for Dr. Hoyle who day after day methodically creates a plan to get us to the next one. I am thankful that he involves me and my brother in the decision making progress and patiently answers any and every question we have .
     I am thankful, I am blessed, and I am tired. I am taking a day off from the hospital tomorrow for some much needed rest and time with my man and kids. Yes, I am thankful for that too.

Carry on

     So here is the deal. Not sure how Both Chris and I heard the same thing but got it so messed up. The last we heard was that a clot had traveled to Mom's lung and caused issues. I will try to explain this but its complicated and hard to understand. Yes, a clot did travel to her lungs and yes it caused an issue. When a clot hits the lungs , it shatters, kind of like dropping a glass and it breaking into hundreds of shards. Those shards take up space, filling the lungs , causing pulmonary issues. This is what happened on Wednesday. Here is what we misunderstood. The clot was probably a piece that broke off of one that is still in her heart. The shards in her lungs are responding to the blood thinners and aren't the major issue right now. Its the one still in her heart. .
     If there are any positives , here they are : The clot in her heart is responding to the blood thinners also. The clot is situated in the right atrium. Had it been in the left side of the heart the clot that separated would have traveled to her brain and caused a devastating stroke.If this clot dislodges then its only path is the lungs. I am not saying that is a good thing, her lungs are recovering from the last one.
     The plan is this, they carry on with the current course of treatment.Going in and getting it out is way to risky for her. To do that, they would have to discontinue Plavix and aspirin that is protecting the new stent from clotting . The last thing she needs is more clots forming and moving around. There is always the possibility that this one could dislodge and go straight to her lung. If that happens they can in an emergency situation use a clot busting drug but that comes with risks too. There really isn't a bright side to any of it. Its simply a sit and wait to see what happens situation. Dr Hoyle , my new hero, has allowed her to once again get out the bed and sit in a chair. No walking around just yet, but at least she isn't flat on her back in that uncomfortable bed. We can't wrap her in bubble wrap and not let her move around at all. She has been in CICU almost 7 days now and there isn't even an estimated date for a move . Its strictly day by day and that is ok by me.
     Yesterday was a bad mental health day for me. From the moment Chris called me and she was being loaded into an ambulance til yesterday morning I had pretty much held it together. I gave my mother a bath yesterday morning and it was the most anxiety ridden 20 minutes of my life. She had been told to be as still and quiet as possible and even a sponge bath requires movement. It came time to change her hospital gown and I couldn't figure out how to get it around all the tubes and wires . After that experience I went to my van and had my first breakdown of the day. The first but not the last. I had several more that were seemingly random. After a day of crying jags and some Bible reading I feel much better. I have had zero meltdowns today . I can't predict tomorrow though.

Don't get too comfortable

     So I guess I done went and did exactly what the doctor said not to do. He told us just Monday not to get too comfortable . After Mom having 2 solid good days I had gotten too comfortable. Today was a bumpy day . It started out wonderful. When I got there Mom was awake and feeling good. They were weaning her off of her oxygen and the plan was to take out her catheter , get her up and moving a little, and then move her out of CICU.She ate breakfast, had the catheter taken out, and gave herself a sponge bath. We were told that she was then ready to take her on a little walk.
     Chris took on the job of pushing the IV cart while I walked beside her holding her hand. She was doing so well for about 2 minutes and then she swayed toward me and we came to a halt. She wanted to keep going but I made her lean against the wall. She had beads of sweat on her upper lip and was pasty white. I asked her how she felt and she said nauseous . Chris took over holding her up while I sprinted down the hall for her nurse and something with wheels. Upon hooking her back up to her monitors it was apparent that her oxygen levels had dropped dramatically. Even after a few minutes hooked up in a rested state, she couldn't maintain a satisfactory level.
     Within about 15 minutes her room was flooded with staff, each doing something different but all working together. Let me take this opportunity to say that they are AMAZING. Within the next 15 minutes she had had a chest x ray, an echocardiogram, and was on her way to CT. Her doctor said that his fear was a blood clot in the lung. Our worst fears were realized very soon. Now our major concern isn't the heart but this intruder in her lung. She has blood thinners on board and is not allowed out of the bed again til further notice. Blood thinners are most often given to hear attack patients but in Mom's case her heart leaked blood Saturday night and put her into cardiac arrest so blood thinners is risky for her at the moment . They don't want the bleeding to start again . We were told today that she had had pretty much every complication that can be associated with a heart attack so my prayer is that this is the last one. This two steps forward and one step back thing is scary. I am drained. I am physically, emotionally, mentally , and gas money bankrupt. The only thing keeping me going is my faith that God is gonna make this all ok.I am positive about that and also positive that I will not get too comfortable any time soon.

Wait and see

     My world was turned upside down on Saturday and has yet to flip back over. At 1:32 pm my brother called me to tell me he was at Mom's house and she was being loaded into an ambulance . She was very sick and having chest pain. Once loaded up , her info was electronically sent to Hugh Chatham who ordered them to take her straight to Forsyth because she was having a heart attack. Upon arrival she was taken straight to the cath lab and had a stent put into her coronary artery which was 100% blocked. She had a major heart attack and there was massive damage done to the right side of her heart. It was after 4pm before we could see her. She was alert and talking. They had put in a temporary pacemaker and she was ordered not to move her right leg or raise her head.
     She remained stable for the rest of the evening and we were told we could leave if we wanted since they will not allow overnight stays. Chris was going to stay for awhile so I left and drove home telling him to call me if anything changed. I was home for a grand total of about 30 minutes before my cell phone rang and my brother said to come back because she had just coded. Fluid had built up around her heart and put enough pressure on it to make it stop.Mom woke up to a woman sitting on top of her giving her CPR compressions and a needle sticking out of her chest to draw off fluid. She was side awake as they cut her and inserted a chest tube . I stayed til 1 am and then made my way home for the second time that day .
     She had another episode early Sunday morning where her heart rate dropped dangerously low but meds shot into the IV immediately brought it back up. She has been stable for more than 24 hours now which is a very positive thing. We were told not to get too comfortable. She still isn't out of the woods quite yet . When there has been this much damage done to the heart its just a wait and see kind of thing. Having said that, the Dr said this morning that considering the damage done that she was doing remarkably well to have kept a good blood pressure and heart rate with minimum meds. They removed the pacemaker this morning and when I left this afternoon she was sitting up and eating a little lunch.Up til 1:30 today she had not been allowed to even lift her head so she is way more comfortable now that she can move a little more.
     Driving back and forth to Winston and sitting for hours in a hospital is taking its toll but I don't feel comfortable leaving her for long periods of time just yet. If I could , I would be there 24/7 . This is the woman who gave birth to me and has taken care of me for my whole life and now I just want to take care of her as much as I possibly can.If she needs someone to spoon ice chips into her mouth or apply chapstick to parched lips then I want to be there to do it. I am thanking God for letting her stay with us and for this precious time with her. I am praying that God lets us her stay with us for a long time to come but I trust him if that is not in his plan. I love this woman I call mama and can only hope and pray that this was just God's way of slowing her down and forcing her to take better care of herself than she has in the past. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

     I just glanced at my datebook and realized that after today there is only one more full day in August. Well thank God . I just want this month to end, in fact I just wish that most of it had been a dream. It didn't start out that way. I celebrated my birthday on the 2nd. I went out with friends on the 5th. I spent the 6th with my husband and children at my favorite restaurant. The rest of it is a blur, an ugly blur.
     On top of dealing with a personal situation that has rocked me to my core, August means back to school. Oh the stress. Getting back into routines , schedules changing, and all the hands out asking for money is enough to make me scream. I haven't had a paycheck since June and Eric didn't have drill this month. The money situation has been really screwy. So we didn't have that usual money coming in and yet was spending money on stuff we don't usually have to. Payday cannot come soon enough for me, but alas that is not until next month. There is much more that I could say about the bad and the ugly but I don't wish to splatter my personal mess onto anyone else.
     I have held strong to my faith for the last three weeks. If not for my faith, I don't know how I could have continued to get up in the mornings and function. I thank God for the strength and peace that he has given me over and over again , every time I have asked. I know that no matter what I am going through or will go through that God has a bigger plan that I can't see. He will always take the bad and the ugly and make something beautiful out of it. That is the way he works and I am so glad that I am His.
     The good and yes there was a little. I had my 4 week post procedure followup with my  Dr and am doing well. I have more energy than before the procedure and just overall feel better. I have started going to the gym and have began exercising my booty off at least 3 times a week.I didn't have enough energy before the procedure to do that. Since the beginning of August I have lost 7 pounds. Yay me ! I also realized a couple of days ago that I have not had a period since my procedure. According to the calendar I should have had 2. I don't know if I will or won't have another. Maybe my body needs some readjustment time. All I do know for sure is that the extreme exhaustion is gone. I can go many days now without a nap. No more drugged up feelings, no PMS.
     35 more hours til September. The countdown has begun.