I recently sat down with some women and had a meal. I don't know these women very well.We just happened to be in the same place at the same time. One of them starts a new topic by saying "I wish you could have seen how (insert husband's name) loaded the dishwasher this weekend. He's so incredibly stupid." And so the husband bashing began . His crime wasn't infidelity or wife beating. His crime? He didn't load the dishwasher to her standards. SERIOUSLY? The sad part was that for the rest of the meal these women verbally tore apart their husbands like they were a piece of paper.
My husband is not perfect, no where close. I have been married for almost 17 years and there have been times when I wanted to wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze the breath out of him. Has he done stupid things? You bethcha. Have I ever confided in a friend about those things? Yep ! What I don't so is drag him through the proverbial mud. I am not perfect and I don't expect him to be. EVERYONE makes mistakes. EVERYONE makes bad choices on occasion. NO marriage is rainbows and unicorns all the time. Life is NOT a fairy tale. We ALL do stupid stupid things at times. We ALL get hurt sooner or later and we ALL hurt someone we love sooner or later.We are ALL human, imperfect beings and I don't understand how some people can be so stinkin mean .
I am beginning to think that I am an oddity. I believe in vows, the whole through good AND bad, in sickness AND health, til death do us part stuff. I believe in happy endings. I believe in being HAPPILY married not just married.And most importantly I believe that if you aren't happy you need to figure out how to fix it. If it can't be fixed, and sometimes it can't, then get out but as a last resort, not the first option.
So here's a thought...instead of tearing your husband down in public, build him up at home. Instead of disrespecting him to everyone who will listen, talk to him privately. Instead of judging every little stupid thing he does, step back and judge your own heart. Instead of focusing on what he does wrong, focus on what he does right. Or how about just being overjoyed that your husband would even load the dishwasher?
Rant over...carry on.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Using the power of deception for good
My last blog post was all about the horrors of my van and trying to buy a car. I thought I would take a little time to explain a few things. Patterson Dodge only had one used Charger in stock and it wasn't what I wanted. Kernersville Dodge had more than one that I was interested in but we didn't want to have to go that far. We did find an illegally opened account on Eric's credit report. All of those things were truth. The rest was what I was led to believe so my husband could pull off the biggest good surprise of our married life.
Eric was out of town Monday and and Tuesday but first thing Wednesday morning amid talking to a score of people about the credit ooops was also taking to Patterson Dodge. He got the loan process started and by Wednesday afternoon was given the go ahead at which time he told them exactly which Charger we wanted from Kernersville. All the while he was telling me that the fraud was going to slow things down. To throw me off even more he told me that the Charger that we wanted from Kernersville was not available anymore. Well, that part was true because by Wednesday afternoon, Patterson had already made arrangements to send someone the next morning to pick it up. Wednesday night after church while I was inside chatting with friends he was outside unplugging a spark plug wire so my van would drive badly on the way home. He knew that I would never drive it like that and it gave him an excuse to get it away from the house so he could trade it the next afternoon.
He called me about 2:45 Thursday afternoon to let me know that he was headed over to Patterson so they could hook it up to their machine and see what it would say about the flashing check engine light only to call me about 10 minutes later asking me where I kept my registration. He said he had been pulled over by a state trooper. While it was true that a state trooper was indeed standing beside of him when he said it, it wasn't because he got pulled over, he just needed the registration.About 30 minutes later I hear a car in the driveway. From looking out of an upstairs window all I could tell was that it wasn't my van sitting in the driveway, thinking that they just allowed him to drive something home because they decided that the van wouldn't make it.
I meet him at the bottom of the steps to question him about getting pulled over and he says that he needs me to go back over to Patterson with him. I glance outside and it doesn't register. I figure he wants me to follow him back over there to give them their car back.I glance outside again and realize it is a Charger. Still doesn't register . "Wait a minute, where did that one come from?" I ask. He answers, "Kernersville Dodge." Still doesn't register. Then he says "Its yours." At that point I think I yelled "shut up" or "NO" as it sank in and I was fighting the ugly cry. All that was left was to dig out the title for the van and finalize the paperwork. I was so all to pieces that I couldn't even drive us over there so it was later Thursday evening before I was calm enough to drive my most favorite car EVER.
Well played husband of mine, well played.
Eric was out of town Monday and and Tuesday but first thing Wednesday morning amid talking to a score of people about the credit ooops was also taking to Patterson Dodge. He got the loan process started and by Wednesday afternoon was given the go ahead at which time he told them exactly which Charger we wanted from Kernersville. All the while he was telling me that the fraud was going to slow things down. To throw me off even more he told me that the Charger that we wanted from Kernersville was not available anymore. Well, that part was true because by Wednesday afternoon, Patterson had already made arrangements to send someone the next morning to pick it up. Wednesday night after church while I was inside chatting with friends he was outside unplugging a spark plug wire so my van would drive badly on the way home. He knew that I would never drive it like that and it gave him an excuse to get it away from the house so he could trade it the next afternoon.
He called me about 2:45 Thursday afternoon to let me know that he was headed over to Patterson so they could hook it up to their machine and see what it would say about the flashing check engine light only to call me about 10 minutes later asking me where I kept my registration. He said he had been pulled over by a state trooper. While it was true that a state trooper was indeed standing beside of him when he said it, it wasn't because he got pulled over, he just needed the registration.About 30 minutes later I hear a car in the driveway. From looking out of an upstairs window all I could tell was that it wasn't my van sitting in the driveway, thinking that they just allowed him to drive something home because they decided that the van wouldn't make it.
I meet him at the bottom of the steps to question him about getting pulled over and he says that he needs me to go back over to Patterson with him. I glance outside and it doesn't register. I figure he wants me to follow him back over there to give them their car back.I glance outside again and realize it is a Charger. Still doesn't register . "Wait a minute, where did that one come from?" I ask. He answers, "Kernersville Dodge." Still doesn't register. Then he says "Its yours." At that point I think I yelled "shut up" or "NO" as it sank in and I was fighting the ugly cry. All that was left was to dig out the title for the van and finalize the paperwork. I was so all to pieces that I couldn't even drive us over there so it was later Thursday evening before I was calm enough to drive my most favorite car EVER.
Well played husband of mine, well played.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Its a piece of junk
After my mother in law passed away in 2008, my husband convinced me that we needed to buy her van. At the time I had a pontiac montana van that I loved. Her van had less miles, leather seats, was a Chrysler town and country , and would have a better resale value he said. I relented and so for four years I have hated what I drive. For the last two we have been plagued with issues. I spent mega bucks between the summer of 2010 and 2011 on the a/c. In the last year we have replaced a front hub at least three times and nobody can tell me why it keeps eating them up. Around October I decided that if it could make it til tax time, it was gonna be history. Alas, it was not meant to be. I am done !
Friday morning I took it to get the oil changed and tires rotated. Pretty routine right? Not in my world. Forty minutes later I receive the news that BOTH front hubs are dangerously loose and need to be replaced and in the process of changing the oil a significant oil leak was found in my front gasket. By that afternoon both issues were fixed and I was on the road again. Saturday morning I went out to finish my Christmas shopping . Upon pulling back into the driveway the low oil pressure light came on and started a very annoying dinging sound. I went back out later around lunch time, stopped at a gas station and noticed anti freeze dripping from the bottom. I had reached my limit and announced to my husband that I was done, just done.
For the rest of that day I scoured the internet for cars. I no longer want to be a van mom. I want a car. Call it mid life crisis, call it whatever you want, I want a car. I have decided that I want a Dodge charger and I am pretty specific about my wants. I want it to be gray or silver. I want a sunroof, I want less than 100,000 miles and I want it now.We haven't made car payments in about 10 years so if I am gonna be paying that much for something I am not gonna settle for what I don't want. Unfortunately the universe is working against me.
Eric was out of town Monday and Tuesday. While he was gone I took some time to check his credit report. Good news is that his credit score is good, bad news is that in July somebody used his name and social security number to open an account at Carolina West and not pay the bill . Much of his time yesterday was spent on the phone talking to Carolina West, the collection agency where the account has been placed , the credit reporting agencies,the police department and Patterson Dodge, which by the way doesn't have what I want.They have one used charger on the lot but it is white , no sunroof, and its 6 cylinder not a hemi. In the words of my husband, having a charger without a hemi is like having a jeep without four wheel drive, what's the point? They say they can find us what we want and I would prefer to buy from them instead of going out of town. 1) Eric knows a few people over there and believes we can get a better deal and 2) I like to stay local if possible.
I don't think the oops on the credit report will stop us from getting a loan but it will perhaps slow things down. Even slower than that will be Patterson actually finding what I want and getting it here. I am normally a patient person but here's the deal.Patterson has already evaluated my van and gave us a trade in price. Last night after church we get in and crank it up. Eric gets very still and says, "do you feel that?" It was shaking, literally shaking sitting still. As soon as it went into drive the check engine light started flashing, not came on and stayed on , FLASHING ! We weren't sure if we were gonna make it home. Eric drove it to work this morning so I could drive his truck and hooked it up to see what was wrong with it. Well, according to the code its the computer. To top it all off the air bag light started flashing . I swear we need to call in a priest, this thing is possesed. It's as done as I am. So Patterson could say that they will still take it as long as we can get it there OR they could say, no deal. Trade in is void. I will NOT spend any more money on this van just to trade it because if I haven't mentioned it before... I AM DONE! As Si would say "This thangs a piece of junk ".
Having said all of that ...I am not stressed. I know that Eric will get it home this evening and we will park it in the driveway until we either take it to Patterson to trade or have call someone to pick it up for crushing. I am honestly happy that I never have to drive it again.I know that God's timing is perfect so I may not be driving a new to me car by the end of the week like I originally wanted but someday very soon I will. Yes, my friends, its all about faith. " Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. " Hebrews11:1 I do not proclaim knowledge of how God is going to work this out I just know that He will. I'm just along for the ride.
Friday morning I took it to get the oil changed and tires rotated. Pretty routine right? Not in my world. Forty minutes later I receive the news that BOTH front hubs are dangerously loose and need to be replaced and in the process of changing the oil a significant oil leak was found in my front gasket. By that afternoon both issues were fixed and I was on the road again. Saturday morning I went out to finish my Christmas shopping . Upon pulling back into the driveway the low oil pressure light came on and started a very annoying dinging sound. I went back out later around lunch time, stopped at a gas station and noticed anti freeze dripping from the bottom. I had reached my limit and announced to my husband that I was done, just done.
For the rest of that day I scoured the internet for cars. I no longer want to be a van mom. I want a car. Call it mid life crisis, call it whatever you want, I want a car. I have decided that I want a Dodge charger and I am pretty specific about my wants. I want it to be gray or silver. I want a sunroof, I want less than 100,000 miles and I want it now.We haven't made car payments in about 10 years so if I am gonna be paying that much for something I am not gonna settle for what I don't want. Unfortunately the universe is working against me.
Eric was out of town Monday and Tuesday. While he was gone I took some time to check his credit report. Good news is that his credit score is good, bad news is that in July somebody used his name and social security number to open an account at Carolina West and not pay the bill . Much of his time yesterday was spent on the phone talking to Carolina West, the collection agency where the account has been placed , the credit reporting agencies,the police department and Patterson Dodge, which by the way doesn't have what I want.They have one used charger on the lot but it is white , no sunroof, and its 6 cylinder not a hemi. In the words of my husband, having a charger without a hemi is like having a jeep without four wheel drive, what's the point? They say they can find us what we want and I would prefer to buy from them instead of going out of town. 1) Eric knows a few people over there and believes we can get a better deal and 2) I like to stay local if possible.
I don't think the oops on the credit report will stop us from getting a loan but it will perhaps slow things down. Even slower than that will be Patterson actually finding what I want and getting it here. I am normally a patient person but here's the deal.Patterson has already evaluated my van and gave us a trade in price. Last night after church we get in and crank it up. Eric gets very still and says, "do you feel that?" It was shaking, literally shaking sitting still. As soon as it went into drive the check engine light started flashing, not came on and stayed on , FLASHING ! We weren't sure if we were gonna make it home. Eric drove it to work this morning so I could drive his truck and hooked it up to see what was wrong with it. Well, according to the code its the computer. To top it all off the air bag light started flashing . I swear we need to call in a priest, this thing is possesed. It's as done as I am. So Patterson could say that they will still take it as long as we can get it there OR they could say, no deal. Trade in is void. I will NOT spend any more money on this van just to trade it because if I haven't mentioned it before... I AM DONE! As Si would say "This thangs a piece of junk ".
Having said all of that ...I am not stressed. I know that Eric will get it home this evening and we will park it in the driveway until we either take it to Patterson to trade or have call someone to pick it up for crushing. I am honestly happy that I never have to drive it again.I know that God's timing is perfect so I may not be driving a new to me car by the end of the week like I originally wanted but someday very soon I will. Yes, my friends, its all about faith. " Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. " Hebrews11:1 I do not proclaim knowledge of how God is going to work this out I just know that He will. I'm just along for the ride.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Evil
Its one day after a 20 year old man woke up, shot his mother, took 3 guns, drove to an elementary school and mowed down 28 people, 20 of them children. I am mourning, in tears, and in shock.Being a mother of 2 , I cannot imagine the terror and then heartbreak of these families that sent their children to school yesterday morning , hopefully hugging them before dropping them off, only hours later to receive the most horrible news that their children were dead. I cannot imagine the horror that these little hearts experienced and the horror that the ones left will live for years to come.
In watching the news I have heard many debates already about how we as a nation can keep this from happening again. Its the usual stuff that is talked about after a tragedy such as this. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time something like this has happened and sadly, probably not the last. Gun control? Armed security guards in every school in America? I don't have all of the answers but , hey, here's an idea.
America isn't the only country subject to violence. Only the day before , 22 children children in China were stabbed at a primary school. Let's face it, a gun or knife doesn't hurt anyone unless in the hands of evil. Let's call it what it is ...EVIL. Where does evil come from? Does it come from violent video games, violent movies or tv? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Evil comes from a heart that Satan gets a hold of and God is not allowed into to.
I will not pretend to have any information about this 20 year old man who perpetrated such a horrific act . I do not know how he was raised , whether he attended or ever has attended church , whether any one ever talked to him about God, whether any one has ever been kind to him or if he was bullied. Here is what I DO know. He did not have the love of God in his heart.There has been speculation about whether he was autistic or had a personality disorder...that's a different story for a different day.
Let's go back to evil. We know it exsists, the Bible tells us it does. So as a parent I have to ask some hard questions. I am in no way blaming this man's mother for his actions. He was an adult and for a reason that we may never be able to understand or explain, this man was evil yesterday.Do your children see you doing more right or more wrong? Do your children see you making God a priority? Do your children see you attending church? Do your children seeing you read God's word? Do your children see you pray? Do you pray for your children, and I don't mean just for their health and well being, I mean do you pray for who they are going to grow up to be? Do you talk to your children about God and the difference between right and wrong and I mean from a Biblical standard? Do they know what the word sin means? Do your children receive love from you and see you showing love to others? Do your children even know who God is?Do you talk about him? Do you set an example of what a God fearing , commandment keeping, Bible reading, praying person looks like?
Gun control, armed security guards, keeping children away from violent tv, movies, and video games aren't going to expel evil from our society. Only God can do that. Our nation as a whole has turned its back on God and his Holy Word and we wonder why someone would take a gun into an elementary school and shoot 20 children? WAKE UP people !!!! Sin is sin, plain and simple, from cursing to murder. There is no little sin and big sin. ALL sin will be judged the same. Say the word f**k in front of your children and you are teaching them that its ok to sin.Let your children catch you in a lie and you are teaching them it is ok to sin. If you are continually teaching them its ok to sin then they will grow up to believe that any sin is ok, including murder. Want to teach your kids its NOT ok to sin? DON'T SIN !!Only people FULL of God have no room left for evil. Bring your children up in such a way that there is no doubt that they have the love of God in their hearts. You may not be able to control how your neighbor's child turns out , and even if you do everything right, you will not be able to control how your own turns out, but it will not hurt to do everything in your power to make sure that yours has a head start in becoming something other than an evil person who walks into an elementary school and murders innocent children in cold blood.
In the words of Forrest Gump...thats all I have to say about that.
In watching the news I have heard many debates already about how we as a nation can keep this from happening again. Its the usual stuff that is talked about after a tragedy such as this. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time something like this has happened and sadly, probably not the last. Gun control? Armed security guards in every school in America? I don't have all of the answers but , hey, here's an idea.
America isn't the only country subject to violence. Only the day before , 22 children children in China were stabbed at a primary school. Let's face it, a gun or knife doesn't hurt anyone unless in the hands of evil. Let's call it what it is ...EVIL. Where does evil come from? Does it come from violent video games, violent movies or tv? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Evil comes from a heart that Satan gets a hold of and God is not allowed into to.
I will not pretend to have any information about this 20 year old man who perpetrated such a horrific act . I do not know how he was raised , whether he attended or ever has attended church , whether any one ever talked to him about God, whether any one has ever been kind to him or if he was bullied. Here is what I DO know. He did not have the love of God in his heart.There has been speculation about whether he was autistic or had a personality disorder...that's a different story for a different day.
Let's go back to evil. We know it exsists, the Bible tells us it does. So as a parent I have to ask some hard questions. I am in no way blaming this man's mother for his actions. He was an adult and for a reason that we may never be able to understand or explain, this man was evil yesterday.Do your children see you doing more right or more wrong? Do your children see you making God a priority? Do your children see you attending church? Do your children seeing you read God's word? Do your children see you pray? Do you pray for your children, and I don't mean just for their health and well being, I mean do you pray for who they are going to grow up to be? Do you talk to your children about God and the difference between right and wrong and I mean from a Biblical standard? Do they know what the word sin means? Do your children receive love from you and see you showing love to others? Do your children even know who God is?Do you talk about him? Do you set an example of what a God fearing , commandment keeping, Bible reading, praying person looks like?
Gun control, armed security guards, keeping children away from violent tv, movies, and video games aren't going to expel evil from our society. Only God can do that. Our nation as a whole has turned its back on God and his Holy Word and we wonder why someone would take a gun into an elementary school and shoot 20 children? WAKE UP people !!!! Sin is sin, plain and simple, from cursing to murder. There is no little sin and big sin. ALL sin will be judged the same. Say the word f**k in front of your children and you are teaching them that its ok to sin.Let your children catch you in a lie and you are teaching them it is ok to sin. If you are continually teaching them its ok to sin then they will grow up to believe that any sin is ok, including murder. Want to teach your kids its NOT ok to sin? DON'T SIN !!Only people FULL of God have no room left for evil. Bring your children up in such a way that there is no doubt that they have the love of God in their hearts. You may not be able to control how your neighbor's child turns out , and even if you do everything right, you will not be able to control how your own turns out, but it will not hurt to do everything in your power to make sure that yours has a head start in becoming something other than an evil person who walks into an elementary school and murders innocent children in cold blood.
In the words of Forrest Gump...thats all I have to say about that.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Its all about perspective
Moments ago I was thinking about how many hours I was gonna be on my feet tomorrow cooking and baking and quite honestly dreading it. I took in a deep breath and blew it out apparently a little too loudly because my husband asked me what was wrong. My response was just thinking about all I have to do tomorrow. After that it only took me a minute or so before I checked myself and changed my heart. This happens to me on almost a daily basis, this inner struggle within my heart to see things differently.
Take laundry for example. I HATE laundry. I average 7 to 8 loads of laundry every week. It is never ending and such a tedious task. I catch myself fussing at my children if I see them change into clean clothes when they get home from school because I know when they get ready for bed those clothes will end up in the dirty clothes basket along with the clothes they wore earlier in the day therefore creating double the amount of clothes for me to wash. More often than not as I am folding or putting that very same laundry away in closets and drawers I find myself thinking about how blessed I am to have a husband and children to dirty clothes. If I lived alone I could probably get the loads down to 2 or 3 a week but oh how much I would miss out on. The love and joy those three bring into my life by far make up for the work of washing, drying, folding, and putting away. See how that works? Its all about perspective.
Back to tomorrow. Thansgiving is a day we set aside to take stock of what we have to be thankful for. Hopefully all of us are thankful every day for what God blesses us with. I guess it doesn't hurt though for a whole entire day to be dedicated to doing just that. So yes, I am going to be in my kitchen for hours tomorrow cooking and baking. I have two meals to prepare for. One at lunch time and the other in the evening so after spending hours in the kitchen there is the task of loading it up and driving to and back from our mutiple destinations.How blessed I am to have enough family to have 2 meals on Thanksgiving day instead of just one. How blessed I am to have a well stocked kitchen and appliances that work. How blessed I am to have a running vehicle to get us to where we need to be. How blessed I am to have my husband here with me instead of half the globe away . How blessed I am to be physically able to do everything on my to do list for tomorrow. How blessed we all are when we take the time to really think about it.
May your turkey be moist, your pie be sweet, your hearts be full, and may you be surrounded by people you love.
Take laundry for example. I HATE laundry. I average 7 to 8 loads of laundry every week. It is never ending and such a tedious task. I catch myself fussing at my children if I see them change into clean clothes when they get home from school because I know when they get ready for bed those clothes will end up in the dirty clothes basket along with the clothes they wore earlier in the day therefore creating double the amount of clothes for me to wash. More often than not as I am folding or putting that very same laundry away in closets and drawers I find myself thinking about how blessed I am to have a husband and children to dirty clothes. If I lived alone I could probably get the loads down to 2 or 3 a week but oh how much I would miss out on. The love and joy those three bring into my life by far make up for the work of washing, drying, folding, and putting away. See how that works? Its all about perspective.
Back to tomorrow. Thansgiving is a day we set aside to take stock of what we have to be thankful for. Hopefully all of us are thankful every day for what God blesses us with. I guess it doesn't hurt though for a whole entire day to be dedicated to doing just that. So yes, I am going to be in my kitchen for hours tomorrow cooking and baking. I have two meals to prepare for. One at lunch time and the other in the evening so after spending hours in the kitchen there is the task of loading it up and driving to and back from our mutiple destinations.How blessed I am to have enough family to have 2 meals on Thanksgiving day instead of just one. How blessed I am to have a well stocked kitchen and appliances that work. How blessed I am to have a running vehicle to get us to where we need to be. How blessed I am to have my husband here with me instead of half the globe away . How blessed I am to be physically able to do everything on my to do list for tomorrow. How blessed we all are when we take the time to really think about it.
May your turkey be moist, your pie be sweet, your hearts be full, and may you be surrounded by people you love.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Consistent love
I have been thinking a lot about inconditional love lately , probably because I am trying more and more love that way. Its hard ! Hear me, when I love , I love big. It is easy for me to love and I am quick to forgive. We all tell those we love "I love you no matter what" and most of us truly mean it. We may indeed love someone no matter how badly they disappoint or hurt us. Here's the deal though: how many of us show love the same way in those hurt and disappointed moments as we do in the content happy moments? How many of us withold affection when we are angry ? How many of us deny forgiveness until we know the lesson has been learned? How many of us use the silent treatment or cold shoulder tactic ? Answer: not me, me, me , and ummm me. My conclusion: maybe I don't have an issue with unconditional love at all, maybe my issue is consistent love.
As a parent I know unconditional love well. All of us start out the same way...as babies. Babies are easy to love. They fit perfectly in your arms and they are easy to read. They smile when they are happy and cry when they are not. They do not have intentions yet so their actions can't hurt you in any way. Ok, maybe a really bad poopy diaper can make your eyes water and nose hair burn but you know what I mean. Its only when they get older and have words that we learn very quickly how badly that precious bundle of joy can cause us emotional pain. Then there are adults...full vocabulary and sometimes not the best of intentions.
Why is it that when we are hurt, disappointed, or angry at or by someone we feel the need to punish that someone in some way? We respond with either words that hurt them back or the above mentioned actions. The only answer I can come up with is that it is simply human nature and its out of selfishness because we are certainly not following the example set for us by our Creator.
Even though we were disobedient, sinful, and ungrateful, God loved us anyway. He loved us so much that he sent his only son to this earth to be hated, tortured , and crucified . Jesus loved us so much that he was willing to leave heaven for us knowing what was to come. Sometimes when I think about that kind of love , it is overwhelming. As parents we yell at our kids when they run across the street without looking both ways because we don't want them to get hurt. How many of us would knowingly send our kids to slaughter? How many of us would leave our cozy homes to voluntarily be tortured and killed for someone who hated us? Well God did and Jesus did. Why? Because their response to disappointment and hurt was to show love in the most incredible way. So incredible that we can't even fit it on the unconditional scale.
The more I think about it , the harder I am trying to rip a page that from that book and establish it as my standard. Responding with love is not easy and I have failed more than I have succeeded lately but I am finding that the more I put it into practice the better at it I am becoming. I can tell you that the difference it makes is worth the extra effort.
As a parent I know unconditional love well. All of us start out the same way...as babies. Babies are easy to love. They fit perfectly in your arms and they are easy to read. They smile when they are happy and cry when they are not. They do not have intentions yet so their actions can't hurt you in any way. Ok, maybe a really bad poopy diaper can make your eyes water and nose hair burn but you know what I mean. Its only when they get older and have words that we learn very quickly how badly that precious bundle of joy can cause us emotional pain. Then there are adults...full vocabulary and sometimes not the best of intentions.
Why is it that when we are hurt, disappointed, or angry at or by someone we feel the need to punish that someone in some way? We respond with either words that hurt them back or the above mentioned actions. The only answer I can come up with is that it is simply human nature and its out of selfishness because we are certainly not following the example set for us by our Creator.
Even though we were disobedient, sinful, and ungrateful, God loved us anyway. He loved us so much that he sent his only son to this earth to be hated, tortured , and crucified . Jesus loved us so much that he was willing to leave heaven for us knowing what was to come. Sometimes when I think about that kind of love , it is overwhelming. As parents we yell at our kids when they run across the street without looking both ways because we don't want them to get hurt. How many of us would knowingly send our kids to slaughter? How many of us would leave our cozy homes to voluntarily be tortured and killed for someone who hated us? Well God did and Jesus did. Why? Because their response to disappointment and hurt was to show love in the most incredible way. So incredible that we can't even fit it on the unconditional scale.
The more I think about it , the harder I am trying to rip a page that from that book and establish it as my standard. Responding with love is not easy and I have failed more than I have succeeded lately but I am finding that the more I put it into practice the better at it I am becoming. I can tell you that the difference it makes is worth the extra effort.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Stop and think
A couple of days ago I had a conversation with a sex addict. I can see some of you right now sneezing BS into your hand. I too at a time in my life thought the term "sex addiction" was something used to excuse bad behavior. I did some research on sex addiction one time and I can assure you that it is real just like drug addiction. Chemically, sex creates a "high" in the body just like certain drugs do . There are different categories of sex addiction, some of them actually involve little or no sex at all.
This particular addict was a man with a wife and children. For the biggest part of his marriage he had been actively involved in betraying his vows. It all started with simple flirting but over time escalated . In the early years of his addiction he did have sex with four other women but the guilt from those acts was driving him to think of suicide so at some point he drew a line in the sand and said no more sex. The addiction did not subside and he still found himself getting caught up in a twisted world of flirting with other women. Sex wasn't his ultimate goal , his addiction was about the seduction. Once he had "won" his conquest over to the point she would have had sex with him , the game was over.
He hated himself every minute of every day but didn't have control over his addiction, instead it controlled him. He couldn't understand how he could love his wife and still betray her over and over. Even years after the line in the sand was drawn and there wasn't any more sex, suicide was always on his mind. His mission was that his wife never ever know. He knew the pain it would cause her and he wasn't willing to put her through that. I too for a short while wondered how he could do these horrible things and at the same time really love his wife. Unfortunately that is the nature of addiction, any kind of addiction. I have a really good friend that is a recovering drug addict and have spent hours talking to her about her addiction. Addiction is mean and makes you a very selfish person. Addiction will make you do things that you thought you would never do.
The point of this blog isn't to persuade you that sex addiction is real even though I believe it is. Out of everything that he told me, this is what bothers me most : ALL of the women , including the ones he had sex with knew he was married. Some of them were married themselves. Most of them knew he had children. As a married woman with children , I find that very disturbing. I don't know how many women we are talking about, I doubt he even knows. We are talking about a approximately 12 to 13 year period of time though so the number is probably staggering.
It would very easy to look at this man and judge him to be some kind of monster . Fact is though, if not for the willing participants he found, he would not have been able to feed his addiction. Think about all of those women who willingly lined up to play his game knowing that at the very least they could be potentially breaking up a marriage. Those who knew he had children , potentially destroying a family. I find all of this very sad.
I know people cheat , men and women. The statistics are depressing. As a mom and wife, I am constantly putting my husband and children's needs and wants first. I think about my actions and how they may affect other people whether I know those people well or not. I cannot imagine messing around with another woman's husband whether he had kids or not. It scares me that more woman aren't like me. I pray for this man , his wife, and all of the women who apparently didn't think hard enough about how their actions might hurt not only another woman but the kids involved.
I guess my point is this...before you do anything, even speak, stop and think about how what you say or do may affect someone else.
This particular addict was a man with a wife and children. For the biggest part of his marriage he had been actively involved in betraying his vows. It all started with simple flirting but over time escalated . In the early years of his addiction he did have sex with four other women but the guilt from those acts was driving him to think of suicide so at some point he drew a line in the sand and said no more sex. The addiction did not subside and he still found himself getting caught up in a twisted world of flirting with other women. Sex wasn't his ultimate goal , his addiction was about the seduction. Once he had "won" his conquest over to the point she would have had sex with him , the game was over.
He hated himself every minute of every day but didn't have control over his addiction, instead it controlled him. He couldn't understand how he could love his wife and still betray her over and over. Even years after the line in the sand was drawn and there wasn't any more sex, suicide was always on his mind. His mission was that his wife never ever know. He knew the pain it would cause her and he wasn't willing to put her through that. I too for a short while wondered how he could do these horrible things and at the same time really love his wife. Unfortunately that is the nature of addiction, any kind of addiction. I have a really good friend that is a recovering drug addict and have spent hours talking to her about her addiction. Addiction is mean and makes you a very selfish person. Addiction will make you do things that you thought you would never do.
The point of this blog isn't to persuade you that sex addiction is real even though I believe it is. Out of everything that he told me, this is what bothers me most : ALL of the women , including the ones he had sex with knew he was married. Some of them were married themselves. Most of them knew he had children. As a married woman with children , I find that very disturbing. I don't know how many women we are talking about, I doubt he even knows. We are talking about a approximately 12 to 13 year period of time though so the number is probably staggering.
It would very easy to look at this man and judge him to be some kind of monster . Fact is though, if not for the willing participants he found, he would not have been able to feed his addiction. Think about all of those women who willingly lined up to play his game knowing that at the very least they could be potentially breaking up a marriage. Those who knew he had children , potentially destroying a family. I find all of this very sad.
I know people cheat , men and women. The statistics are depressing. As a mom and wife, I am constantly putting my husband and children's needs and wants first. I think about my actions and how they may affect other people whether I know those people well or not. I cannot imagine messing around with another woman's husband whether he had kids or not. It scares me that more woman aren't like me. I pray for this man , his wife, and all of the women who apparently didn't think hard enough about how their actions might hurt not only another woman but the kids involved.
I guess my point is this...before you do anything, even speak, stop and think about how what you say or do may affect someone else.
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