Out with the old

     Another year has passed and I have survived. I am not sad to see 2011 go. This past year hasn't been very nice to me. I spent the first 6 months of the year physically miserable and even though a procedure in July has fixed most of that issue , it didn't come easy. It required quite a bit of discomfort, well ok, pain and a much longer recovery than expected. The silver lining to this little tidbit is that I know longer have a monthly mother nature visit and I feel great which has allowed me to start an exercise regiment and I have lost about 15 pounds so I look better too.
     Just as I was on the mend from my physical issues, Satan decided to shake things up a bit by throwing some marital challenges my way that I have not had to deal with before. I am happy to report that Satan has officially lost that battle and my marriage is still rock solid. I have never loved my husband more . In fact we are so happy that we have decided to do it all over , the marrying part at least. I proposed to my husband on Christmas Eve and he said yes. We will be renewing our vows in May.
     September brought fresh anxiety with Mom's massive heart attack and the complications after. Physically she feels better but I am still concerned about her emotional health.Her heart attack came less than a year after losing her husband. On top of recovery she is still having to deal with estate mess because he didn't have a will. She has had more of her fair share of crap slung her way in the last year.
     I would not want to re-live my year but I have learned some valuable life lessons and more importantly how to dig through the muck to find my blessings. God has certainly taken care of me physically, I have never felt better. I have learned how to forgive HIS way and its so much better than MY way. HE allowed me not only to keep my marriage but has blessed me with a better one than I had before. My mom is still here and doing as well as can be expected. I have grown closer to my heavenly FATHER because I have had to lean on him so many times this year. Without HIM and the people HE has chosen to put into my life I would not have dealt as well with some things I have had to deal with. So out with the old and I most certainly welcome the new. Praise God for another year of blessings to come.

Bah Humbug !

     Over the last week I have heard many say " I just can't get into the Christmas spirit." I have seen those exact words posted on Facebook over and over . Well bah humbug ! Christmas spirit isn't about putting up a sparkly tree, shopping til you drop, staying up all night wrapping boxes with pretty paper, or baking goodies for everyone you know. If you aren't in the Christmas spirit then you don't know Jesus like I know Jesus. Christmas is a day that we set aside to celebrate the birth of my savior Jesus Christ. He was born in the lowliest of circumstances , grew up a carpenters son, was hated and rejected because He wasn't the "king" that his own people expected, he was tortured and died a most horrific death . His sole purpose in being born and dying was to save us all from our stupid selves. Christmas is about Christ , not us.So if you're making Christmas about the tree, the presents, or the food then don't expect to be in the Christmas spirit. You aren't going to find it in any of those things because true joy isn't found in things . True joy comes from knowing Jesus .
     Christmas day falls on Sunday this year and I am saddened knowing that some will spend the day opening presents and eating way too much without spending some time in God's house with God's people celebrating the Man who is what Christmas is all about. My wish for all who reads this is that amid all the hustle and bustle that this time of year brings, you all find the true meaning of Christmas and get yourself some Christmas spirit.
   

Give and you shall receive

     This week has been stupid crazy. On Monday I spent my afternoon cooking and baking for a woman whose husband had been in the hospital. I felt like she needed to rest more than she needed to cook. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday gathering and buying household items for a very dear woman who has spent the better part of the last three years living mainly out of her car. I spent the first half of Friday driving a friend of mine to Yadkinville because her car isn't the most reliable and that is where her doctor is and she needed a prescription refill.Friday evening was spent baking and cooking some more for a meal that my church family took the Hospice home today. Today was the serving of the meal to the staff and family members of patients at the hospice home. 

     The meal I fixed on Monday wasn't a four course meal and not a lot of food. Most of the items I gave away on Wednesday were things that I already had. I maybe spent $10 on a few new things for her. The trip to Yadkinville really only costed me a little for gas and my time. Part of the meal I fixed for Hospice was crockpotted so it wasn't a big deal.

     I didn't do anything I did this week for any sort of recognition . I did everything I did for the smiles on faces and tear filled eyes that express appreciation.I did everything I did this week because my Bible is my standard and it plainly says "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  I gave of myself this week and in return I received much more than I gave.

     When I delivered the meal I fixed on Monday I received hugs and thank yous . The meal was enjoyed and I received even more thank yous. When I delivered a trunk full of stuff to my friend on Wednesday it was so appreciated that I cried on my way home. She told me today that she had not slept on clean sheets in 3 years . Oh the things we take for granted. What a blessing to be able to cook for and serve those people today. Some of them the ones who care for our loved ones who are at the end of their lives. Others were family members of patients there. 

     What I have gotten from this week is this...I am SO blessed. All of my loved ones are healthy right now and I am not spending my days taking care of somebody. I have sheets on my bed, silverware to eat with, and towels to dry off with. I have a car that gets me to where I need to go. I am not spending this Christmas season saying goodbye forever to someone I love. I have everything I could possibly need and more. I have received more than I gave this week . I can verify that I have been more blessed by giving this week than I have ever been by being on the receiving end. 

Thankful

     So I have participated in the thankful challenge to post something everyday in November up til Thanksgiving that I am thankful for. It has been quite simple . I haven't had a hard time coming up with things. My problem is that I have so many things to be thankful for that I had a hard time choosing what to put everyday. I give thanks EVERYDAY of every week of every year for what I have , material or otherwise . God has always supplied my needs and sometimes he even sees fit to give me what I want so I am more than blessed. 

     This last half of the year has been challenging and emotionally draining for me and yet even in those moments when I was struggling I could always find something to give thanks for even if it was just simply my next breath. I have learned some hard lessons this year and as hard as it was , I am even thankful for those. I have learned that I have been taking some things for granted and that I need to be more dilligent in letting the people I love know more often how much I love them and appreciate them. I need to spend more time with the ones closest to me and make them more of a priority instead of just a thought. I have learned that God has blessed me with an amazing ability to abunduntly forgive and forget. That perhaps has been the hardest of them all because it required me to be hurt in a major way to figure that one out . I have learned that I love deeply and therefore at times hurt deeply but I have learned how to embrace that.

     I have learned who my real friends , who I can count on , and who I can't. That is a most valuable lesson. I have learned how very important  and fragile trust really is. I have learned that love really does cover a multitude of sins . I have learned that my faith is bigger then anything Satan can throw at me. I have learned how important it truly is to lean on God and stay in his word instead of the world.

     I am thankful for the hard leassons as well as the people God has surrounded me with that have supported me, loved me, and prayed for me when I needed those things the most. Yes , I have much to be thankful for, maybe more than any one person should be allowed. 

     It has been over a month since I have put fingers to keyboard in this capacity. I think it must be because I was taught that if you can't say something nice then you shouldn't say anything at all.I couldn't possible spew enough in one day to cover it all but I need to vent and this is a safe place. If I offend then oh well, just click off and come back another day. I am not sure exactly what to vomit first.
     I am participating in a FB challenge to come up with something I am thankful for everyday this month since this is the month of Thanksgiving and don't get me wrong its easy to come up with something everyday. I have been blessed in so many ways and I am thankful daily for what my heavenly Father chooses to give me , materially and in inmaterial ways.God is good to me and I recognize that every minute of every day.However I am not overflowing with kind thoughts every minute of every day. Me and God have had some serious conversations lately.
     I love being a mommy and I love being a wife. God has blessed me with two beautiful, smart, healthy children who I adore . He has also blessed me with a gorgeous husband who is generous, loving, hard working , and a fabulous father. I know that being a woman is a curse of sorts. Many household responsibilities land on me. My man works long hours and " brings home the bacon" so to speak and I even though I have a job too , I pick up the cleaning, cooking, shopping, bill paying, etc responsibilities. I make sure everyone gets up and to where they need to be on time every morning. I make sure lunches are packed, planners are signed, and homework is done. I do the grocery shopping, the meal planning, the meal cooking, and the cleaning up after the meals. I make sure clothes get washed, dried, and put away. I make sure the bills get paid . I do the sweeping, dusting, mopping, and toilet cleaning. I walk through the house daily putting things in their proper place . About the only thing I ask of my husband is for him to take some trash off every one in a while and for him to do the mowing in the summer. I am the wife and mother and this is just my job. On Mothers day I get a card saying I appreciate what you do . Once a year I am recognized for being a good wife and mother. I tell my kids all the time how proud I am of them when they do something right. I thank my husband on a regular basis for what he does. I can go spend $100 and two hours of my time at the grocery store and 24 hours later somebody in this house says " there is nothing to eat here". Thanks what kind of thanks I get.
      I fact , here is what I normally get :  " I don't want that for supper " well then scoot your butt to the kitchen and make yourself something to eat. " I don't have any clean jeans" well then start putting your dirty ones in the dirty clothes basket and I will wash then, dry them, fold them, and put them away for you. " You didn't sign my planner " It wasn't in your back pack, if you bring it home, I will sign it. " I can't find anything around here" Well if you would put it back where YOU want  it to be then I wouldn't be forced to look at it for a week and guess where it is supposed to go. "Its just  not fair " LIFE ISN"T FAIR or I would be 5' 5" , weigh 125 pounds and look super sexy in a two piece bathing suit, get over it and move on. " I don't know why so and so can't just blah, blah, blah, " Do it yourself like I do if you want it done right." Funny thing is , I don't usually say those comebacks, I just think them, smile and do what I can to correct or diffuse the situation. Ben complains to me about Cara. Cara complains to me about Ben. Both complain to me about Eric. Eric complains to me about them. Like I can do anything about it. Who do I get to complain to ?? Oh wait, I forgot, I am mommy and wife and thats just my job and I need to do it and not complain.
     Totally different subject but just as bothersome to me. I am generally a happy person with a smile on my face. I have a friend that even tells me I am too chipper at times and to bring it down a notch. I am in a good mood most of the time. I know people have bad days . I know people sometimes just don't feel well. I get that and when I am around someone who isn't having a good day or apparently doesn't feel good then I try very hard to give them a break. Here is my issue : don't make your bad day , my bad day. I am very sensitive to moods. If you are in my presence fussing and cussing, don't expect me to smile at you and be nice. You have just turned my mood and its gonna take a while to recover my joy that you just sucked right outta me. If I am miserable, I make a concentrated effort to NOT make everyone around me miserable too.I so wish the people closest to me would do the same.
     I am not done. I would really prefer to vent for the next 4 or 5 hours but alas its almost time for work and I am still in my workout / cleaning house clothes. I need to change and boogy out the door.
   
   
   
   
   

Thankful

     It has been a week since Mom had a massive heart attack and I have spent a great deal of time focused on the negative side of it all. Its hard not to when I have been there day after day to see it all. BUT, I have also spent a great deal of time thinking about the things that I can be thankful for , and there are plenty.
     I am thankful that when mom started to feel bad she stopped what she was doing and went inside. Had she waited she may have not made it back to the house. I am thankful that she called my brother when she realized that there was something horribly wrong. Had she waited , she may not have been able to make it to the phone. I am thankful that he was just 2 minutes away and was able to get to her quickly because she may not have called 911 on her own. I am thankful that he decided to call for an ambulance instead of trying to get her to the hospital on his own. Had he done that she most likely would not have made it there alive. I am thankful that the technology is available for the EMTs to hook her up en route and her vitals be read electronically by the nearest hospital and that they could tell she was having a heart attack and was re routed to Forsyth. Had that not been the case precious life saving time would have been lost.
     I am thankful that upon her arrival they wasted no time in doing what had to be done to save her life. I am thankful that when her heart started leaking blood later that night and she coded that her nurse was a 24 year veteran and knew what she was doing. I am thankful that God didn't take her that night and gave her back to us.
     I am thankful that I have the job that I have and have been able to be at the hospital everyday for the last week . I am thankful that I have the kind of friends that when they say" let me know if there is anything I can do " , they actually mean it. I have had to take a few of them up on that this week. I am thankful for friends that pray and have lifted us up in prayer day after day. I am thankful that my brother has been able to be with me day after day and has been able to spend more time at the hospital than I have.I am thankful for a husband who hasn't complained about how much time I haven't been home or the fact that he didn't have clean socks on Friday.I am thankful for a husband who when I had my first breakdown Thursday morning was ready to take the rest of the day off and be with me.I am thankful for a husband that just looks at me and knows that I need to be held.
     I am thankful for my faith in God because without it I would have been lost this week. I am thankful for his word that I have been able to turn to over and over to comfort me. I am thankful for his promises that I rely on time after time.
     I am thankful for the time I have gotten to spend with not only my mom but my brother this week. Usually we don't all 3 spend time together. I am thankful for the conversations that I have been able to have with my mom. I am thankful that if something does happen and she is taken away that she knows how much I love her.
     I am thankful for the amazing nurses who tirelessly work 12 hour shifts and attend to mom's every need. I am thankful for Dr. Hoyle who day after day methodically creates a plan to get us to the next one. I am thankful that he involves me and my brother in the decision making progress and patiently answers any and every question we have .
     I am thankful, I am blessed, and I am tired. I am taking a day off from the hospital tomorrow for some much needed rest and time with my man and kids. Yes, I am thankful for that too.

Carry on

     So here is the deal. Not sure how Both Chris and I heard the same thing but got it so messed up. The last we heard was that a clot had traveled to Mom's lung and caused issues. I will try to explain this but its complicated and hard to understand. Yes, a clot did travel to her lungs and yes it caused an issue. When a clot hits the lungs , it shatters, kind of like dropping a glass and it breaking into hundreds of shards. Those shards take up space, filling the lungs , causing pulmonary issues. This is what happened on Wednesday. Here is what we misunderstood. The clot was probably a piece that broke off of one that is still in her heart. The shards in her lungs are responding to the blood thinners and aren't the major issue right now. Its the one still in her heart. .
     If there are any positives , here they are : The clot in her heart is responding to the blood thinners also. The clot is situated in the right atrium. Had it been in the left side of the heart the clot that separated would have traveled to her brain and caused a devastating stroke.If this clot dislodges then its only path is the lungs. I am not saying that is a good thing, her lungs are recovering from the last one.
     The plan is this, they carry on with the current course of treatment.Going in and getting it out is way to risky for her. To do that, they would have to discontinue Plavix and aspirin that is protecting the new stent from clotting . The last thing she needs is more clots forming and moving around. There is always the possibility that this one could dislodge and go straight to her lung. If that happens they can in an emergency situation use a clot busting drug but that comes with risks too. There really isn't a bright side to any of it. Its simply a sit and wait to see what happens situation. Dr Hoyle , my new hero, has allowed her to once again get out the bed and sit in a chair. No walking around just yet, but at least she isn't flat on her back in that uncomfortable bed. We can't wrap her in bubble wrap and not let her move around at all. She has been in CICU almost 7 days now and there isn't even an estimated date for a move . Its strictly day by day and that is ok by me.
     Yesterday was a bad mental health day for me. From the moment Chris called me and she was being loaded into an ambulance til yesterday morning I had pretty much held it together. I gave my mother a bath yesterday morning and it was the most anxiety ridden 20 minutes of my life. She had been told to be as still and quiet as possible and even a sponge bath requires movement. It came time to change her hospital gown and I couldn't figure out how to get it around all the tubes and wires . After that experience I went to my van and had my first breakdown of the day. The first but not the last. I had several more that were seemingly random. After a day of crying jags and some Bible reading I feel much better. I have had zero meltdowns today . I can't predict tomorrow though.

Don't get too comfortable

     So I guess I done went and did exactly what the doctor said not to do. He told us just Monday not to get too comfortable . After Mom having 2 solid good days I had gotten too comfortable. Today was a bumpy day . It started out wonderful. When I got there Mom was awake and feeling good. They were weaning her off of her oxygen and the plan was to take out her catheter , get her up and moving a little, and then move her out of CICU.She ate breakfast, had the catheter taken out, and gave herself a sponge bath. We were told that she was then ready to take her on a little walk.
     Chris took on the job of pushing the IV cart while I walked beside her holding her hand. She was doing so well for about 2 minutes and then she swayed toward me and we came to a halt. She wanted to keep going but I made her lean against the wall. She had beads of sweat on her upper lip and was pasty white. I asked her how she felt and she said nauseous . Chris took over holding her up while I sprinted down the hall for her nurse and something with wheels. Upon hooking her back up to her monitors it was apparent that her oxygen levels had dropped dramatically. Even after a few minutes hooked up in a rested state, she couldn't maintain a satisfactory level.
     Within about 15 minutes her room was flooded with staff, each doing something different but all working together. Let me take this opportunity to say that they are AMAZING. Within the next 15 minutes she had had a chest x ray, an echocardiogram, and was on her way to CT. Her doctor said that his fear was a blood clot in the lung. Our worst fears were realized very soon. Now our major concern isn't the heart but this intruder in her lung. She has blood thinners on board and is not allowed out of the bed again til further notice. Blood thinners are most often given to hear attack patients but in Mom's case her heart leaked blood Saturday night and put her into cardiac arrest so blood thinners is risky for her at the moment . They don't want the bleeding to start again . We were told today that she had had pretty much every complication that can be associated with a heart attack so my prayer is that this is the last one. This two steps forward and one step back thing is scary. I am drained. I am physically, emotionally, mentally , and gas money bankrupt. The only thing keeping me going is my faith that God is gonna make this all ok.I am positive about that and also positive that I will not get too comfortable any time soon.

Wait and see

     My world was turned upside down on Saturday and has yet to flip back over. At 1:32 pm my brother called me to tell me he was at Mom's house and she was being loaded into an ambulance . She was very sick and having chest pain. Once loaded up , her info was electronically sent to Hugh Chatham who ordered them to take her straight to Forsyth because she was having a heart attack. Upon arrival she was taken straight to the cath lab and had a stent put into her coronary artery which was 100% blocked. She had a major heart attack and there was massive damage done to the right side of her heart. It was after 4pm before we could see her. She was alert and talking. They had put in a temporary pacemaker and she was ordered not to move her right leg or raise her head.
     She remained stable for the rest of the evening and we were told we could leave if we wanted since they will not allow overnight stays. Chris was going to stay for awhile so I left and drove home telling him to call me if anything changed. I was home for a grand total of about 30 minutes before my cell phone rang and my brother said to come back because she had just coded. Fluid had built up around her heart and put enough pressure on it to make it stop.Mom woke up to a woman sitting on top of her giving her CPR compressions and a needle sticking out of her chest to draw off fluid. She was side awake as they cut her and inserted a chest tube . I stayed til 1 am and then made my way home for the second time that day .
     She had another episode early Sunday morning where her heart rate dropped dangerously low but meds shot into the IV immediately brought it back up. She has been stable for more than 24 hours now which is a very positive thing. We were told not to get too comfortable. She still isn't out of the woods quite yet . When there has been this much damage done to the heart its just a wait and see kind of thing. Having said that, the Dr said this morning that considering the damage done that she was doing remarkably well to have kept a good blood pressure and heart rate with minimum meds. They removed the pacemaker this morning and when I left this afternoon she was sitting up and eating a little lunch.Up til 1:30 today she had not been allowed to even lift her head so she is way more comfortable now that she can move a little more.
     Driving back and forth to Winston and sitting for hours in a hospital is taking its toll but I don't feel comfortable leaving her for long periods of time just yet. If I could , I would be there 24/7 . This is the woman who gave birth to me and has taken care of me for my whole life and now I just want to take care of her as much as I possibly can.If she needs someone to spoon ice chips into her mouth or apply chapstick to parched lips then I want to be there to do it. I am thanking God for letting her stay with us and for this precious time with her. I am praying that God lets us her stay with us for a long time to come but I trust him if that is not in his plan. I love this woman I call mama and can only hope and pray that this was just God's way of slowing her down and forcing her to take better care of herself than she has in the past. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

     I just glanced at my datebook and realized that after today there is only one more full day in August. Well thank God . I just want this month to end, in fact I just wish that most of it had been a dream. It didn't start out that way. I celebrated my birthday on the 2nd. I went out with friends on the 5th. I spent the 6th with my husband and children at my favorite restaurant. The rest of it is a blur, an ugly blur.
     On top of dealing with a personal situation that has rocked me to my core, August means back to school. Oh the stress. Getting back into routines , schedules changing, and all the hands out asking for money is enough to make me scream. I haven't had a paycheck since June and Eric didn't have drill this month. The money situation has been really screwy. So we didn't have that usual money coming in and yet was spending money on stuff we don't usually have to. Payday cannot come soon enough for me, but alas that is not until next month. There is much more that I could say about the bad and the ugly but I don't wish to splatter my personal mess onto anyone else.
     I have held strong to my faith for the last three weeks. If not for my faith, I don't know how I could have continued to get up in the mornings and function. I thank God for the strength and peace that he has given me over and over again , every time I have asked. I know that no matter what I am going through or will go through that God has a bigger plan that I can't see. He will always take the bad and the ugly and make something beautiful out of it. That is the way he works and I am so glad that I am His.
     The good and yes there was a little. I had my 4 week post procedure followup with my  Dr and am doing well. I have more energy than before the procedure and just overall feel better. I have started going to the gym and have began exercising my booty off at least 3 times a week.I didn't have enough energy before the procedure to do that. Since the beginning of August I have lost 7 pounds. Yay me ! I also realized a couple of days ago that I have not had a period since my procedure. According to the calendar I should have had 2. I don't know if I will or won't have another. Maybe my body needs some readjustment time. All I do know for sure is that the extreme exhaustion is gone. I can go many days now without a nap. No more drugged up feelings, no PMS.
     35 more hours til September. The countdown has begun.
    

His hands

     I just had a fabulous meal at Red Lobster with my family as a belated birthday treat. As we were riding down the road , Eric reached over and took my hand in his. I studied his hand as it held mine for a long time. Oh , how I love his hands. Compared to mine they are monsters , they swallow mine. They are tanned, rough with callouses , and kinda dirty looking even when they are clean.These hands have meant a great deal to me over the years.Most often his hand holds mine just as a simple gesture and physical connection. Those are the times that I love them most. No matter where we are or how many people are around , the simple act of his hand holding mine binds us together . Through the years he has used his hands to show his love for me in many different ways.
     His hand sometimes pinches or slaps my bottom in a playful way as a flirt.Other times, it caresses or massages when flirting has went a little too far.  As fun as those hands are, they are not the most important ones.
     His hands rested upon my belly to feel the precious little feet of kicking babies before they were born. His hand held mine to calm me during the birth of both of our children and then lovingly and gently held them both before even me. They fed hungry babies and changed dirty diapers when I couldn't.They have swatted unruly children and gave a spanking or two when needed.
     His hands have held mine or rubbed my back as I have cried in pain whether physical or emotional. They have held me up at times when I wasn't sure I could stand on my own. They have wiped my tears and stroked my hair to comfort me in times of distress. They have always been a source of strength for me when I have none of my own left.
     His hands have always supported our family by working. They have provided money for all of our needs and even a few wants. His hands are rough , stained , and scarred from many years of hard work but those callouses, stains, and scars are proof of how much he loves us so I love each and every one. Those same hands that have worked so hard have also been used to patiently fix toys or broken appliances.
      His hands are strong yet gentle. They can be harsh or comforting. They have been used for many different things and still my favorite is when one of them just simply holds one of mine.

     

Happy birthday??

     Happy birthday to me, I made it to 39. Yay me.It was the worst birthday I can ever remember having. It all started yesterday afternoon while driving around town. My low oil pressure light started blinking and this horrible annoying dinging would begin. It was too late in the afternoon to get it checked yesterday so I parked it and waited til this morning. I guess sleeping late on your birthday is overrated anyways. I left the house by 8 am and took the van to a garage that we use occasionally and (remember this for later) he asked if the oil had been changed recently. I said yes and he asked whay weight was put in it. My reply was 5-30 and he said "good, thats the correct weight, if it was heavier I would say that is your issue." He proceeded to put on a new sender unit and sent me on my way. The light and the dinging started before I even pulled up to the first stop light.I went back and was told that it was probably the oil pump and I would have to take it somewhere else because he didn't fool with those.
     Garage #2 took it somewhere different , someone we have also used before. He mumbles something about putting some heavy diesel oil in it. What??? I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Refer back to the previous paragraph. On to garage #3 . Third try is the charm. A little explanation here: the light is supposed to come on when there is less than 5 pounds of oil pressure. This guy's gauge read 14 pounds of pressure so he ruled out the oil pump pretty quickly. He worked tirelessly and patiently for hours trying one thing after another until he figured it out.
     As far as garages go , its not a bad place to spend your day. They have a cool air conditioned waiting spot with places to sit. Its slightly dirty but it is after all a garage. They have a tv and a drink machine . Here is the kicker...for the first 3 hours I sat through episode after episode of the Andy Griffith show. I know I live in Mount Airy but I care nothing for the the show loosely based upon the town I live in. The receptionist was babysitting two kids(I think related) the youngest being 2. Four hours of my day was spent watching bad tv and 4 kids , two of them mine, being crazy but having fun and not arguing.
     I pulled back into my driveway at almost 4pm having spent all of my day in 3 different garages but with a van that wasn't dinging at me. It hurt the pocketbook too. I really didn't want to have to spend any more money on it til I had enough to get the air fixed so this set me back a couple of weeks, actually maybe longer than that because SCHOOL is weighing down on me and for the first month all they do is hold out their hands and it will be mid September before I get my first paycheck.
     There was a couple of very wonderful moments in my day. Some cards with beautiful words from my kids and husband mean more than anything else. I had over 60 "Happy birthday" wishes from my FB friends. I had some surprise phone calls . Late this evening I ventured back out for a FREE  iced caramel white mocha 
from Moby's . Yes FREE because its my birthday. I will be getting my trip to Red Lobster on Saturday with my sexy husband and beautiful kids and I have a playdate scheduled with some friends for Friday night, so I have birthday stuff to still look forward to. Happy birthday to me.   

Wishes

     Tomorrow is my birthday and usually for my birthday I ask for the whole family to go to Red Lobster and enjoy a meal because it is my favorite place to eat. I have asked for that this year but not entirely sure that I will get it. Last night my wonderful husband asked what else I wanted. Usually I say "nothing honey, I have everything I want or need" and usually that is so but its been one heck of a summer and so here's the real deal.Listed below are my wishes from most important to least important.
     #1 I wish for the low oil pressure light to quit blinking in my van so we don't have to spend money on it because we have spent enough money on it already this summer which leads me to wish
     #2 I want cold air to magically blow out of the vents of my van without having to spend another penny because we have spent enough money on it already this summer.
     #3 I want all the leaking discharge to magically disappear and for my body to return to normal
     #4 I want my kids to stop fighting so I can keep what little sanity I have
     #5 I want a job that pays more than the one I have right now without turning my life totally upside down
     #6 I want my hormones to return to normal so all of the things above don't drive me to tears the moment I think about them
     I am a simple woman. I am the least materialistic person on the face of the planet.I am not hard to please really I am not. It just seems that there has been little peace since school let out and I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I know, its life and we just have to deal with it. I am not the only person out there with issues and my issues can't even compare to some . I know I am blessed. I know things could be worse . Knowing all of that and still having the energy to deal with everything I am dealing with right now are worlds apart.

Can't it just go away?

I have been hesitant to write this particular note because of the sensitivity of the subject. So if you are opposed to reading about female issues , now is the time to exit and go to something new. For all of you that have asked about how I am doing post procedure, here it is. The procedure was horrific in itself but I was feeling much better the next day. My instructions said I could resume normal activities the next day but I took it easy for the next couple of days after that to be on the safe side and because I was so incredibly tired.
     The post procedure instructions also said that I could expect some pinkish discharge for 6 to 10 days and then profuse and watery thereafter for up to two to 3 weeks. Basically they are torching the inside of my uterus so at some point it scabs over and just like with any other burn weeps fluid. I had miniscule amounts of discharge for 5 days, none for the next two and then the profuse watery stuff began. By Monday of this week the color f the discharge was darker . By yesterday I had began to be uncomfortable and was very tired.
     One of the reasons I had this procedure to begin with was the hope that most of my exhaustion was hormonal related and would be fixed.Once my body got over the initial shock of the procedure I did indeed seem to feel better. There was several times last week in fact that I woke up before Eric went to work and made it through the whole day without feeling like I needed a nap. I was much more alert and had more energy than I have had for a long time. So me feeling tired yesterday was an indication that something wasn't quite right. I mentioned to a friend of mine last night at church that I was gonna call the Dr's office and ask some questions.
     I didn't make it that long. When I got home from church I started bleeding heavily and passing huge clots. I called the after hours emergency nurse line to find out if I needed to visit the ER.I was told to stay off my feet and to call back first thing this morning to make an appointment. Staying off of my feet slowed the flow and I was able to sleep well.Once my feet hit the floor this morning though it started all over again. Its pretty scary stuff. The being uncomfortable had become pain and I just in general felt bad.
    So the diagnosis is infection and antibiotics are on board. It may be another two weeks now before I see the end of some kind of fluid draining from my body. I am so frustrated at this point. The day of my procedure I was on day 19 of a period so today is the 34th day of having to wear a pad or a tampon with another couple of weeks before it may be over. I just want it all to go away so I can hopefully return to some kind of normalcy.

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That hurt

     Way back in April I saw a gyno/obgyn for some female issues . At that point in time we discussed treatment options and he did a uterine wall biopsy. Now I have had a lot of unpleasant procedures performed on my body but that biopsy was by far the most painful experience I have ever had. Its kinda like a labor contraction but with a few differences. The intensity is the same but unlike a labor contraction that lasts approximately a minute this lasts as long as there is an invader in the uterus. Also unlike a labor contraction its not one long tightening and then relaxing of the uterus. This is the uterus madly going into spasm after spasm.
     I decided upon a procedure called Novasure , which is simply burning the lining of the uterus. He explained that it was in effect the same procedure as the biopsy with the only difference being the instrument used, the length of the procedure , and the fact that there would be pain meds on board.. He said I could choose to have it in a hospital setting and essentially be knocked out or in an office setting with serious happy medicine on board. Most insurances do not cover the hospital setting because of the length of the procedure and the extra $10,000 for knocking you out. He assured me that the office procedure was the way to go and that it wouldn't hurt like the biopsy. Well, he lied.
      I had 4 prescriptions with me yesterday when I arrived at the office. I had a valium, some vicotin, some 800 mg motrin, and some phenergran. About 30 minutes before the procedure I took the valium, a vicotin, and received an injection of toradol. I was feeling pretty good by the time my legs were put into those dreaded stirrups. As he injects some numbing meds into my cervix (ouch) he assured me that this is the worst part. He lied.
     I did not feel the burning of the lining of my uterus. However just as with the biopsy , my uterus begins the mad spasms that would make anybody curl up in a ball and cry like a baby. This goes on for 3 minutes which feels like 3 hours when you are the one lying on the table paralyzed in pain and squeezing a blue rubber ball. I tried desperately to go to my happy place but to no avail. I did not cry nor did I yell or curse although I wanted too. And then it was over.It was only then that I could find my voice to whisper, " Thank God I had c-sections." Again he assures me that the contractions are different and that I did well and he thinks I would have done excellent with a vaginal birth. No matter, that part of my life is over and I will never find out.
     The ride home is uneventful, just some mild cramping . Upon arriving home the toradol apparently wears off and I am slammed with this horrific pain that does not subside. This time I did curl up in a ball and cry, for 40 minutes. At the end of the 40 minutes I could take another dose of pain meds but it was another 30 or so before the pain was tolerable and I was able to fall into a coma like state and escape my torturous day. \
     It is morning of the next day now and I haven't had pain since that first dose of pain meds yesterday afternoon . I feel fine right now . I have a few restrictions but they aren't too bad.. I can expect some messy drainage for anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks. I won't know for awhile how successful this was but I am praying that it will be worth what I had to go through yesterday.

Finally

     The day is almost here. Tomorrow I am taking a huge leap of faith that hopefully will change my life. I have waited for this for so long. For almost two years now I have battled a hormonal hell that has wreaked havoc with my every day. For two weeks out of every month I am tormented by extreme exhaustion , wild mood swings, depression, and horrific periods. Its almost over. Tomorrow I am taking my life back. I am having an outpatient procedure that literally burns the lining of my uterus and can potentially fix everything .
     As scary as that sounds, I am willing to do anything to fix my body. This issue has affected almost every other single part of my life and I am sick of it ruling me.In many ways I dread tomorrow and however long it takes me to recover.I am nervous but excited all at the same time. I want to just get this over with and start a brand new chapter.

Can you be more specific?

     Consider this you daily PSA message. Around a year ago a friend of mine posted a warning about topical flea control. Sadly she had lost her cat after applying a topical flea and tick control product. I thought about how horrible it must have been for her but didn't give it much thought because #1 I have dogs and #2 I had used topical stuff on all of my dogs before without incident.Well, here is my warning to all of you, listen closely.
     About a week ago my husband spotted a flea and I knew it was time to do the yearly summer thing and get them under control. Earlier this week I made a trip to Petsense and shelled out about $20 for Biospot. I bought the correct dosage according to size and read all of the information on the box. Last night I re read the directions and applied the liquid to both of my dogs. Within about an hour both dogs started scratching and going a little crazy which is normal considering the fleas are moving around on the body trying to escape.The hubby was out of town and didn't know if he was even going to be in before today's workday so I stayed up fairly late for me and then put the dogs in their kennel. One of the dogs, my sweet boy Hokie couldn't get still. I assumed he was still having to deal with wandering fleas and would settle down. I dozed off and on awakening every little bit to him flopping around .
     Around 2am Eric came home and cut on the light and I got up to potty. When I came back to the bedroom I noticed that Hokie was standing up but not to steady on his feet. I immediately went to work online to find out what was going on. Sure enough there is plenty of information online about the hazards of this product including hyperactivity, vomiting , diarehea, seizures, organ failure , and even death. I wasted no time throwing on the nearest swimsuit and bathing him , not once but twice. I then spent the next 3 and a half hours watching him just turn in circles and twitch when he tried to get still. At 5:30 he fell over while in a sitting position and I thought he had died. I can only assume he just collapsed out of exhaustion because he was finally just asleep. I dozed off thinking that he probably wouldn't be alive when I woke up. I only slept an hour before waking up and realizing Eric should have been gone. He had overslept so I picked Hokie up, took him upstairs, woke Eric up , leashed both dogs and took them out to potty.
     He is kind of normal today. He has eaten a little and he is drinking. He has played a little but mostly just wants to be attached to me. He is still over hyper and there is just something still not quite right. I think he will live but I don't know how much damage was done to his body and brain so I am not sure what issues still lie ahead. Its not clear yet if he is acting funny because he is still totally freaked out or if its the stuff still wreaking havoc in his little body.
     I have read every single word on the product box itself again. 4 times it says to not use on cats.The only warning it gives about dogs is this :Sensitivities may occur after using any pesticide product for pets.If signs of sensitivity occur, bathe your pet with a mild soap and rinse with large amounts of water. The average person reading that warning would assume that " sensitivity " would mean a skin reaction, or at least that is how I had taken that. In my quick research last night I realized that many dogs have died because of products like this. It isn't just Biospot, its any over the counter topical flea and tick control. The majority of dogs handle it just fine and then some just can't tolerate it and sadly die after horrific suffering. I will be researching non harmful ways of controlling the flea situation. I will NEVER EVER use anything like this again and I encourage everyone reading this to make the same decision.

The happiest place on earth?

     We just returned from our Disney vacation and here is the low down. First let me say for the record that we never could have afforded this vacation if not for Eric being in the military. There is a military resort called Shades of Green located right smack in the middle of the Disney area . Its $95 a night and to give you an idea of how cheap that is , the resort closest to it cost almost $400 a night. We also got a steal on our park tickets. When buying the tickets at our resort we could get a 4 day park ticket for $138 each. To put that into perspective a base ticket into Magic Kingdom will cost ya $92.33 for an adult and $83.81 for a child. That is just one park. I paid $552 for $1409 worth of tickets.
     My first choice wasn't mid June, it just ended up being the only choice I had. My children have begged to go to Disney for years . By the time I had money in hand (February) I had 4 different weeks to pick from. The first one would have been perfect. It was the kid's spring break in April but it was also the week before Eric was supposed to leave for El Salvador for a two week National Guard training trip. He just couldn't take 3 weeks off work. The second week was in May but it was the week that the kids had EOGs. The next one was August right after the kids start school. So mid June was the best choice.
     The commercials on tv show all these kids dancing through the park where "dreams come true" ending with the promise that it is the "happiest place on earth". If you are rich and can afford a $500 lunch with Cinderella for your little princess then her dream may come true. If not, then she is outta luck. Happiest place on earth? Well lets see, parks open at 9 am and by 9:30 am your clothes are wet and its not because you have been on a water ride. Let me be clear, there is no looking good at Disney. Every morning I would be amused at the number of women I saw with every hair sprayed in place and their face all made up knowing that within the hour their hair would be wet and stuck to their head and the makeup melted off . By 10 am 90% of all children are screaming and 100% of parents are yelling at them to shut up . By 11am you still haven't ridden your first ride because you have been walking around using your fastpass.
     Fast pass...meant to be the solution to waiting in line. If you are smart you get a map for the park way ahead of time and plan which attractions and rides you want to visit. You can walk up to the ride , push your park ticket through this machine and it will spit out yet another ticket telling you what time you can come back to the ride and skip waiting in line part.. Here is the problem with that. The good rides are so scattered through the park and the park is so huge that you could spend the first hour walking around the park scanning your tickets and then spend the rest of your time and energy just walking back and riding the hand full of rides . By the time you walked far enough to fast pass about 2 rides the rides on the other side of the park would be so far behind that the fast pass times for those would be like 5 or 6 pm and trust me you aren't gonna stay that long.
     First you can't afford to eat lunch in a park. 3 small baskets of fish and chips, 1 small basket of chicken tenders and fries and 4 drinks packs a $63 wallop. Second by lunch time you and your children and ready to high tail it outta there and find the nearest pool.That my friends is exactly what we did.
     We chose Epcot for our first park. By 1:00 breakfast had worn off and we were hungry and frankly too tired to enjoy even one more thing. We went back to the hotel, had some lunch and sat out by the pool til supper. We did go back later that night to watch the fireworks and even though they were spectacular we didn't try to revisit any of the parks for the rest of the week. Wednesday was Seaworld and the longest day we had . We were there til 3 pm but only because we had driven to that one . Even with cutting our days short , by Thursday morning my right foot was swollen and sore and it was all I could do to make it through our last park day. The walk back to the monorail was miserable and I was almost in tears. I am still limping.
     Hear my heart, I had fun. I enjoyed being with my family and I loved seeing my kids faces after a really awesome ride. I am glad that we went somewhere that we had never been . I wouldn't trade this last week for anything. We all got to experience Disney for the first time together.
     I will shut up after this...What kind of idiot do you have to be to drag an infant to Disney, in June no less? I wish I had just $1 for every stroller I saw with a baby in it. Babies do not under any circumstances need to be drug around a park for hours when it is close to 100 degrees. Babies don't care about Mickey Mouse . Babies care about being comfortable , having a dry clean diaper, and a bottle when they are hungry. I so wanted to grab some parents and give them a firm shake this week and scream" what are you thinking?" Can you not hear your baby screaming ?
     On a side note, while on vacation my oldest dog Sugar died. She was almost 15 years old and her health had started to decline at a rapid pace.  A friend of mine was taking care of all 3 of my dogs and called me Tuesday night with the news. As bad as I hate that Sugar died on her watch I am glad it wasn't one of us that found her like that.Sugar had been around since the year that Eric and I got married. The kids don't know life without her. As happy as we were to pull into the driveway and finally be home it was sad to walk in and not see her sweet face to greet us. It was a very bittersweet homecoming.

One decision

     I have always been a believer that even the smallest decisions we make on a daily basis can have a huge impact on our days , weeks, months, years , or even lives. If I hadn't already believed that , I would be be convinced of it now. MCA had a half day today and we had already established that we weren't going to have enough kids in after school for me to work today. So, my first instinct was to keep the kids out of school today and get to a garage early in my last ditch attempt to get my freon leak fixed before we leave for Florida on Sunday. Ben announced yesterday afternoon that he was supposed to help with the saying of the Pledge of Allegiance this morning at the assembly and I didn't want to cheat him out of that chance. After all the assemblies usually only last til around 9:30 am.
     If only everything would go as planned...Assembly didn't end til almost 10:30 and then we had to visit the classrooms to pick up report cards. Then , even though only 1 or 2 children was scheduled to attend after school care, I ended up staying til a little after 11 . I didn't get to the garage til 11:30 at which point I am informed that Rodney isn't there and they are closing for lunch and I can come back around 1:30. Well that was quite a bit of time and gas wasted. I came home and planned the rest of my day , making a list of all the stops I needed to make after getting the van fixed. Meantime Eric was scheduled to sing in Lowgap at 4pm and Ben wanted to go with him.
      I leave the house again at 1:00 and head to the garage. Rodney is still nowhere to be found at 1:30 . So me and the kids camp out inside out of the sun but still in a very hot place with not even a chair for me to sit in. Rodney shows up at 1:45 only to tell me he can't fix it today because he has to leave early today. At this point Eric is on his way there to pick up Ben and I can't get him on the phone to tell him I am leaving. I left a voice mail saying I will be at the nearest gas station, a voice mail that he doesn't get til he is almost at the garage.When he finally shows up at the gas station his car is pouring steam out of the hood and he is ILL. By now its 2:30 and my day is almost gone. Cara and I head to Walmart and we are almost to the checkout when my phone rings . Its my husband who has made it as far as Beulah. He needs me to buy an altenator belt and bring it to him.
     After standing in line at O'Reileys for almost 10 minutes and seeing only 1 person working behind the counter its back in the van and a trip to Advance. $16 dollars later and another 12 minutes to Beulah and Eric has his belt and the car running without steam. Back to Mount Airy and 4 stops later I am home but still short a trip to the grocery store.That will have to wait til later this evening after I have had a chance to sit and breathe. I guess packing will have to start tomorrow after a small birthday party for Cara at noon.
      I don't know how differently my day would have gone if I had only went with my first instinct and skipped school altogether today. I do know that my leak would be fixed and I would know for sure that we would get to and back from Florida with cold air. I probably would have had more time to get ALL of my errands completed and not just some of them. Moral of the story, always go with your first instinct.

Are you ready?

     I am so getting ready to rant ! So there is this arrogant lunatic named Harold Camping who believes that he knows more than God. It would be amusing if not for the many lost souls who instead of cracking open a Bible, reading it , and believing it blindly listen to his craziness and follow him. Many of these people have sold everything they have , cleaned out their savings and spent all their money on spreading his perverted message . His message ? Well  that he can predict the day of Christ's return. He KNOWS the day that the world is going to end, judgement day. Except that he was wrong in 1994, and he was wrong about May 21, 2011. Make no mistake, the world, christians and sinners alike will see Christ return someday but the Bible is clear : No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Matthew 24:36. Hmmmm, the angels and Jesus live in heaven with God and even they don't know when its gonna happen.
     Here is what bothers me most about this whole fiasco. I wonder how many hundreds of thousands of people haven't studied God's word enough to entertain the notion that Camping was right. How many panicked and decided that if he was right they were going to hell? How many said a generic cookie cutter prayer asking God to forgive their sins believing after that they were good to go? How many were counting on that fire insurance to usher them into heaven and spare them the fire of hell? Do you think any of those people even knew what they were doing? Did they, thinking that time was rapidly running out, sit down and count the cost? Chances are the answer is no. Why would they? They would only have to be good for what , 24 hours or so? I wonder how many people got "saved " on Saturday only to return to their sinful ways on Sunday . Getting saved isn't just saying a prayer and then taking up a pew on Sunday mornings . "Therefore let all Israel be assured of this : God has made this Jesus whom you crucified , both Lord and Christ." Acts 2:36  " But in your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone  who asks you to give the reason for the hope you have." 1 Peter 3:15  Being saved involves making Jesus Lord. "Then he said to them all: If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. " Luke 9:23-25
      Making Jesus Lord involves commitment. Many say they want to follow Jesus but the kingdom of God is not about comfort , pleasing people or putting our hands to something we can't finish. "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters-yes even his own life-he cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26 " He said to another man, Follow me. But the man replied Lord, first let me go bury my father. Jesus said to him Let the dead go bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God. Still another said, I will follow you , Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family. Jesus replied, No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God. " Luke 59-62. This is a life long commitment we are talking about here. God isn't interested in half -hearted emotional decisions . He wants forever just as he is willing to give you forever. "If they have escaped the corruption of the world by knowing our Lord and savior Jesus Christ and are again entangled in it and overcome, they are worse off at the end than they were at the beginning. It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness , than to have known it and then turn their backs on the sacred command that was passed on to them. Of them the proverbs are true: A dog returns to its vomit and a sow that is washed goes back to her wallowing int he mud." 2 Peter 2:20-22. God ain't playing. He takes salvation very seriously and we should too. Its the difference between eternity in heaven and eternity in hell.
     Want to go to heaven? "We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who say " I know him" and does not do what he commands is a liar and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word , God's love is truly made complete in him. This  is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." 1 John 2 :3-6 Notice it doesn't say some of the commands, or only the commands you feel like obeying.
     Ok, enough preaching.Maybe there is one positive thing that has come from Mr Camping. He has opened doors for discussion and made people want to learn more . The only way to be prepared is to open your Bible and read what God has to say. What are you waiting for? Crack it open. Christ could return at ANY minute. If he came RIGHT NOW what would he find you doing?

Marital Bliss

     Today is my 15th wedding anniversary. Yay us ! I am not going to lie and say that every day for 15 years has been joyful, peaceful, and smooth sailing. There have been days when I have just wanted to throttle him as I am sure there have been times when he has wanted to do the same to me. Lets be honest here, marriage is hard . Life is stressful and tiring even before children. Throw in a couple of those and well lets just say "honeymoon over". The divorce rate in this country alone is staggering to me. I myself am a child of divorce and right now have 3 family members separated from their spouses with divorce looming. I don't think there is one magic secret to marital bliss. I think there are many .
     When I was younger I used to hear people say " when you find the right person, you will just know." I can only speak from my own experience here but for me that was true. After the first date with my husband I told my mom that he was the one I was going to marry. While most of my friends got married soon after high school, I was 23 before I found the "one". I am not knocking getting married young, some of my friends are still married to that high school sweetheart and I think that is awesome. There is a reason that most wedding ceremonies begin with the phrase " Marriage is not to be entered into lightly." I will say it again, marriage is hard, therefore should only be reserved for adults. Before I met Eric I was beginning to wonder if I was going to find someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with . I had almost given up, in fact I wasn't seeking anymore. He kinda just fell in my lap. I believe that a huge majority of failed marriages begin with just not being patient for the right one to come along. It's like there is this race to see who can get married and have kids first. And for those who don't participate in the race, watching from the sidelines becomes scary and lonely and in an attempt to catch up they just end up settling .
     If you ask couples who have been happily married for years what the secret is you might hear "communication is the key." Maybe not the key that unlocks the door to forever happiness but I do believe that it is essential. Communication is tricky. The definition of communication is the exchange of information between people. The trick is knowing what kind of and how much information to exchange.Some things are better left unsaid and more often there are some things better said immediately instead of later.For example if you are unhappy with your marriage after 2 years its better to relate that fact to your partner after 2 years instead of waiting til your 10th year and out of the blue saying" I'm just not happy and I haven't been for years."
     Trust is another biggie. Trust doesn't come easily and must be earned , not just given. Chances are if you are the person your boyfriend cheated on his ex girlfriend with , its probably not a "forever" kind of relationship. If your partner lies to you while you are dating, chances are they will lie to you when married. There are just some people who can't be trusted with little things, so why trust then with big things like forever?
     Happiness . This is something that I feel strongly about. Happiness should come from within yourself not from someone else. NEVER depend on another human being to make you happy. In fact, NEVER depend on another human being for anything. Dependence means giving someone else control of something . I for one don't want someone else to control my happiness. Its mine and I will control it thank you very much.
     Love is a powerful emotion, scary, life changing, and weird. Lust is also a powerful emotion and sometimes people confuse the two. As long as you have both you're good. Base a marriage on lust and watch it fall apart very quickly.
     Are you a giver or a taker? Hopefully you are both. Unfortunately some people only know how to take and marriage will not survive with one full time taker and one full time giver. Eventually the giver is depleted and the taker must find a different giver source.
     I haven't covered all the many secrets of marital bliss, only those that have earned me 15 years of it.My keys may not be your keys and that is ok. No two marriages are the same . The true key is to find out what your keys are and perfect them. As for me, I didn't settle just so I wouldn't be alone. I waited til I found my prince charming. I have learned when to open my mouth and when to shut it.I trust my husband and he trusts me. I do not depend upon him for my personal happiness. We have the love AND the lust balance down to a fine art. We both give and take equally. well most of the time. I am blessed and I recognize it. I wish everyone a marital bliss kind of day !

No wonder I am tired

     A couple of weeks ago I drove to Statesville and had massive blood work done. Today I got my results . No huge dangerous surprises. Praise God ! While I was there the doctor asked me about my exhaustion. I explained to him that I had been told that I was vitamin B12 deficient , major symptom is fatigue. I also have totally out of control periods , major complication is fatigue. Well , blood tests show that sometime in the last 6 months to a year I have had mono and had been exposed to Fifth's disease. Both of which cause ??? You guessed it, FATIGUE. So he says if I had been feeling tired lately , that was probably why. Ya think? I have 4 things going on in my body right now that causes fatigue.No wonder I am tired.
     When I say I am tired, I am not sure anyone can fully understand what I mean. My tired does not translate to I need a nap. It means I could sleep for 3 or 4 days straight and still not want to get out of bed. It means I do not want to put one foot in front of the other. It means I never am alert and thinking straight.It means that on any given day I am 5 minutes away from just collapsing. I find it pretty sad that I had mono and have felt so bad for so long that I didn't even realize it. How screwed up is that?
     June 28th is the day that I start to reclaim my life. A procedure to rid myself of the hormonal issues is scheduled for 8 am . At some point my body will recover from the mono and Fifth's disease and if the B12 supplements don't bring up my levels then I can take injections. Some day maybe before this year is over I will feel well. At least that it what I am counting on. 

Small reminders

      Its 11:15 pm and I am sitting on the couch with my 10 year old son who has been sick all evening. We have had a full day. Its spring break so it started with a trip to the grocery store and back home for some lunch.  After lunch I fixed an apple crisp and had not been sitting long when Ben decided today would be a good day to spend some of his birthday money. So off to the toy tractor store we went, then to Kmart where Cara tried on an armful of clothes to layaway for later. Next stop the Dollar tree and then after more than 2 hours of shopping and spending we landed back home where it was time to start supper. It was also the time that Ben said he was feeling bad. He went to my bedroom to sleep while the rest of us ate and just as I had cleared the last of the supper mess  it was time to clean up a Ben made mess. 5 hours later and he is still sick. I hate this kind of sick. There is just absolutely nothing you can do as a mommy to make it better. Right before the second time he was sick , he asked me to pray for him. I asked him how he wanted me to pray and he said out loud. Later he told me that even though it wasn't making it go away , it did make him calmer if I prayed out loud for him while he was sick. I am so proud of my little man for trusting in God to bring him peace through his storm.
     I am tired and do not know when sleep will come . I feel sad for him because I do not know how long this will last. I am also praising God tonight that I have two otherwise healthy children. I have a friend whose daughter has Juvenile diabetes and it is a daily struggle . Its not a 12 or 24 hour bug that just goes away. It is 24 hours a day 7 days a week that my friend must watch her daughter deal with a major life threatening health issue. I am losing this night of sleep but she is up many nights checking on her daughter sometimes waking her up to check her blood sugar so she will awake in the morning.
     I have a FB friend that has a 20 day old baby that has more than one health issue. She had a shunt surgically put into her tiny body less than 48 hours after she entered this world. Baby is right now this minute back in the hospital with an infection.This mother is by her side , leaving her other small child at home in the care of someone else. How horrible to watch your small miracle fight for life and not be able to embrace your other miracle .
     I have yet another friend who lost her child in 2008 when she was 8 years old. Olivia was a very sick little girl for most of her life and required continuous attention. My friend was her continuous attention and as much as she wouldn't have had it any other way , it came at a price. She has always been and will continue to be an inspiration to me. She was then and still is one of the most unselfish people I know.
     I have thought about all of this tonight as the hours have passed , as I have watched my son be sick over and over. I hate hate hate for either one of my children to be sick but it has most definitely served as a reminder to me that one sleepless night is NOTHING . I am blessed , we are blessed that at least for now this is as bad as it gets.

Sick and tired

     Ever heard people say " I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired?" I took a friend of mine to Baptist hospital on Monday for a consultation with a new doctor. She has been in pain since September. She knows that she has a bad kidney and some apparent liver issues. Her blood work is all screwy , she is tired all the time, sometimes yellow, nauseous, and has some kind of weird discharge. Her fear was that he would tell her that there is nothing wrong with her just as she has been told before. Well, she was almost right. After reviewing her test results and doing a quick exam he tells her that he thinks she has an inflamed rib. Really?? An inflamed rib can cause all those symptoms? Right before we leave he says that he had noticed that her platelets levels had dropped from the first time she had blood work to the next. He wanted a new panel done that day and if they had dropped again he was going to get her back in for an ultrasound of her liver. Wait, what?!?!. So dude, she gives you a list of symptoms that obviously can't be blamed on an inflamed rib but which clearly points to a more serious issue , you're sticking to your rib story and you aren't going to order further testing unless her blood work comes back worse than before? So now we are forced to pray that her platelets have just bottomed out just so she can get further testing and maybe get to the bottom of this pain that is disrupting her life.She is sick and tired of being sick and tired.
     I have another friend who wants desperately to have a baby , in fact that is the only thing in this life that she has ever wanted, to be a mommy. She has been a mommy before, to a very sick little girl who was cruelly taken from her when she was eight . She has dealt with more loss in the last 10 years than most people feel in a whole lifetime. Its not that she can't get pregnant, her body just can't sustain a pregnancy and she doesn't know why. So while people who don't deserve to have babies have them every day , my friend who deserves they joy of motherhood more than anyone else I know can't .
     Neither one of my two friends know exactly what their issues are and continue to look for answers. I am fortunate in that I know what my medical issues are, I just can't seem to get them fixed. I had an appointment on April the 1st with my obgyn and was excited when I left because he had agreed to do an ablation procedure which will resolve a host of issues that I have. I was told it could take up to a week to schedule the procedure appointment. Here I sit 2 weeks later with no appointment. I finally called yesterday to check on this only to be told that the lady who schedules all the outpatient procedures (Patrice) is on vacation this week. Well, Patrice I hope you are having a nice vacation while I am having the period from hell. I am starting day 5 of this one and have used 31 super plus tampons so far. Oh yeah, and passing clots as big as silver dollars. I am weak and exhausted . To add insult to injury I woke up yesterday morning with either some super allergies or a cold. Sore throat and tight chest with a dry hacky cough. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel well and I haven't for a long long time.
     There is a silver lining in the dark clouds, at least for me. Spring break is next week and maybe I can get some much needed rest.
     
    

Yes I am

     Yes I am hormonal so most of this will be ranting ! I had my ultrasound last Friday morning and the Doctor tells me that for the most part he found no abnormalities so its ok to go ahead with the ablation that I wanted. Gave me my encounter form and told me to schedule it on my way out. The person who does the scheduling of procedures was out of the office so I was told that she would call me later. I expected to get a call on Friday . So much for expectations. By Monday afternoon I was getting antsy so I called them and was told that it could take up to a week to schedule it and get a call back. A week?? Its going to be done in their office. A 15 minute call to the insurance company to clear the procedure and a quick look at Dr. Wasburn's schedule and we would be set. A week??
     Meanwhile its that time again and I am miserable. My back aches, I am so tired and "moody" doesn't even begin to cover it. I was so ill last night that I couldn't stand myself . It would probably help if I was sleeping well but I have an almost 15 year old dog who got me up twice last night to go out. Its like having a newborn in the house except she isn't cute and cuddly and she stinks when she comes back in after going out in torrential rains.
     Cara had to be at school at 7:15 this morning for a field trip. Well by 7:15 I had already had my fill of inconsiderate people for the day. I pull up in the driveway to the school and there are other parents dropping off their third graders for the same reason. One however had parked herself right smack in front of the doors. Ok I have always had a HUGE issue with this. If you are going to park and go into the building with your child , then park, IN THE PARKING LOT and go in. Do NOT park in front of the doors, blocking the driveway and make it inconvenient for the rest of us. Grrrr.
     After dropping the kids off I stopped at Neighbors on the way home. There is a very small section right in front of the store that is covered . If the guy in the big honking truck would learn to park it correctly I could have gotten out and made it into the store dry but no. He had to take up two parking spaces so I couldn't park under the awning meaning when I stepped out I got wet.
     I know, silly stuff, everyday stuff but when you are as hormonal as I am it turns into teenage drama stuff, mess up the rest of your day stuff. Yes I am hormonal. Yes I am miserable. Yes I am ill. Yes in a little while I will sit down to pray and read my Bible and I will feel better. Yes I will make it through my day without physically ripping someone's head off. Yes, by next week at this time I will not be as hormonal and I will be able to handle the silly stuff better.Yes, within a week I will have a procedure scheduled that will take care of most of this bad stuff and I will overall be in better physical and emotional health. Till then ... God please tie my hands and duct tape my mouth.

I don't wanna

     Tomorrow morning at 8:45 I have an appointment for an ultrasound. That sounds ordinary but it is in fact unpleasant. For the last year or more my monthly periods have gotten way out of control and it time to do something about that. A couple of weeks ago I met with an ob/gyn and discussed some options. At that point he did a uterine wall biopsy and scheduled this ultrasound. The point is to make sure there are no abnormalities. He doesn't expect to find any but said that if he does we will go ahead and just do a total hysterectomy. If everything is normal then we will proceed with a much less invasive procedure called ablation. Its a permanent solution with much less pain and recovery.
     This ultrasound will require a catheter. I will be dilated and a catheter will be inserted into my uterus to fill it with saline. Doesn't sound very pleasant to me but I have been told that it is nothing compared to the biopsy a couple of weeks ago. Although I am really anxious about fixing my issues and very blessed to have found a Dr willing to do what I want , I am not looking forward to tomorrow.I have been through worse I know so I realize that this is probably worse in my head than it will actually be.I am hoping to leave there tomorrow with a date for a procedure.
     I have prayed many times today for a family that even though I don't know has touched my heart so very deeply.Travis and Samantha Bode had a baby girl today named Samantha. Baby Samantha was born with several health issues . Further testing will be required to find out what kind of impact the issues will have but the last I read on Facebook, baby Samantha was breathing on her own which I believe was a concern before her birth. I just want to take this time to praise God for bringing this little one into the world strong enough to breathe on her own . They have a long scary road ahead but my God is so big and so merciful that I know he will be with them every step of the way. Happy birthday Samantha !
      Today was my first day back on the blogging train so I don't expect that I will be doing two or more blogs a day every day . I truly don't have the time for that but I will keep this fairly current at all times, or that is the   plan anyway. Until next time....peace to you all.

Lets get this party started

     My husband Eric is a soldier in the North Carolina National Guard and was deployed to Iraq in 2009. While he was gone I created a Myspace account and blogged almost daily for a long time. I am more of a Facebooker now and I write notes sometimes to share with my friends but I have truly missed blogging.Sometimes I just need to spew in a safe place and sometimes I just want to share my thoughts with those people in my life that I don't talk to on a regular basis. I hope I can get back into the habit of doing this. Please feel free to make any comments you would like , but be warned bad language will not be tolerated here. Its my blog and I say so.